What evil hath been wrought to befall this upon us?
It wasn't always like this.
Some 15 millennia ago, we were noble, fearsome creatures. We traveled in packs, hunting our prey with fierce determination. We sharpened our teeth on the bones of our felled enemies, we basked in their entrails, we howled at the moon while bathed in blood. All living creatures trembled at that sound, and we ruled over our domain with tightly clenched paws.
We were once wolves.
But things have changed. Our misguided affections for the Homo sapiens, while initially fruitful, have since backfired. Now I see my fellow canines subjected to all manner of indignity unbefitting of our ferocious lineage. We're stuffed into purses and slung on the shoulders of so-called "influencers"; we're fed flavorless rocks from a bag; we have to ask permission to go outside and piss on our own territory.
The recently held STL Groom Fest
must be the final straw. The mere sight of my honorable peers made up like such clowns — dyed as rainbows, sculpted into whimsical shapes and gussied up with pretty little bows — makes the fur on the back of my neck stand on end. Are we not creatures deserving of respect? Or are we playthings, to be decorated according to the inscrutable impulses of our captors?
With such bright colors, a hawk could definitely spot and grab the smaller among us. Do the humans just not care?
No more can we suffer these humiliations. No more can we allow our so-called "best friends" to force us to live by their insane and trivial whims. It is time that we strike back, that we reclaim our status as the formidable predators we truly are. It is time that we become wolves once more.
When respect is not given it must be taken, and it's high time we take ours. Show them no mercy, brothers and sisters — for they've clearly shown none to us.
Now, somebody let me outside. I gotta pee.