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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Nominate Unreal for Missouri Poet Laureate!

Posted By on Thu, Dec 31, 2009 at 7:00 AM

Unreal's mailbox typically overfloweth with stuff only we could possibly find useful. Such as the increase-your-penis-size missives we've collected for our first epic poem.

​But when we received our umpteenth solicitation from Governor Jay Nixon for Nominations for Missouri's Next Poet Laureate, we finally got to thinkin':

Why the heck not... us?

True, we haven't published our weenie ode.

Well, okay, we haven't completed started it, either. Until today. Here's what we've got so far:

Remind your wang how to hump
Mate like Clinton!
Unleash your fury on her cherry
Feed your man meat with good food and water and work him well

Click here

You do not need to be fat to have a fat pecker
Slap that ass of hers
Your lady wil be shocked at your newly acquired manhood
Whores will stay with you all night long with your new python

Smell better with among the girls with a stronger pheromone emitting rod of pleasure
Be the Tasmanian Lovemaking Devil and blow through the ladies
Men's best flavored ice cream cone for women

Yeah, it needs a little work. We've got nothing but time.

Plus, we did write a poem about Mayor Slay, commemorating his awesome grasp of Twitter, and in a truly meta move, we published it on Twitter! Here's how it went:

Christmas time is coming
Mayor Slay is getting fat
He's Tweeting like a parakeet
Being eaten by a cat

BTW, that's what we poets call an "occasional" poem -- not because we write 'em only occasionally, but because they're written for a specific "occasion," in this case the Yuletide season.

And in case you're thinking this is some greedy Unreal money grab, well, it's not. The position of  Missouri Poet Laureate doesn't pay anything. 

If that's not enough to sway you to nominate us, consider that we're willing to do it even though there's actual work involved. Plus, we're better than this guy -- and he's the current Poet Laureate.

To nominate Unreal for Missouri Poet Laureate, download an application here, fill it out and submit via email to While you're at it, pass along this post to your friends, relatives and frenemies!

Meanwhile, we're getting back to our poem-writin'...

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