Monday, August 22, 2016

Pop a Civic-Pride Boner Over This Bitchin' St. Louis Commercial

Posted By on Mon, Aug 22, 2016 at 6:01 AM

click to enlarge Oh the glory of it all! - PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR/TIMOTHY K. HAMILTON

Last week, the St. Louis Regional Chamber unleashed the fury of its new regional marketing plan upon an unsuspecting and unprepared world. Together with more than 30 partners, including Explore St. Louis and the St. Louis Civic Pride Foundation, the group unveiled its opening salvo, aimed at investors, visitors and potential residents: a commercial — er, "St. Louis Brand Anthem" — whose narration is so packed with reasons to love this city you'll be able to shatter fucking marble with your enormous civic-pride boner.

The video (embedded below) opens at Lambert International Airport, where a group of successful St. Louisans are seen individually arriving after their flights and boarding the MetroLink. Inspirational music builds slowly in the background as the unseen narrator begins his story:

Every single day, some of the biggest thinkers and doers of the 21st century are making their way to one centrally located destination to discover their dreams and make their ideas take flight.

"Take flight!" Like the airport! I get it, fuck yeah; I love airports! Let's keep going.
Perhaps no other city in America captures the essence of discovery better than this dynamic hub of opportunity, quickly becoming the epicenter of technology and innovation for the world's best and brightest minds.

Aw man, they are nailing it! This place oozes "essence of discovery." You can't think of the common household phrase "essence of discovery" without "St. Louis" popping straight to mind. And "dynamic hub!" Hell yeah. This video kicks ass.

It's home to a thriving start-up scene, not to mention the nearly twenty Fortune 1000 companies, giving graduates from some of the area's top universities an eternal source of unbridled optimism. 

The optimism simply cannot be contained! Just try to bridle it, you naive fool — you can't! Unbridled optimism springs eternal in St. Louis; everyone knows that!
It's a place where a diverse population comes alive every morning to share in the livability and accessibility one would only expect to find in a city half its size. This gem of a city is called St. Louis. Where the innovators and pioneers of today are finding their purpose and making their difference in the world, right here, just as so many explorers that came before them have been doing for over 200 years. 

Fuck I fucking LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH. We're SO DIVERSE. It's just like they show in the video at this point of the narration — there's some white people standing there, and then there's some black people standing in a separate group in the frame too! Just like the explorers of 200 years ago! Goddamn, this video is killing it!
Now with the public and private sectors of this region working so hard to make a difference, you might think people around here are too busy to enjoy themselves. Well, think again. 

That's right you pathetic moron; you'd better get the hell outta here with that shit, too. Work hard, play hard — St. Louis, baby!
From parks to ballparks, museums to music venues, this is one part of the world that will never fall short on fun. It's why millions of visitors block out weeks and weekends to travel here all year long....
Ugh, but seriously though I am SO SICK of these tourists. Everywhere I go, just tripping over them. Locals only, please!
...why the locals never stop being visitors, and the visitors feel like locals after only a couple of days. 
I don't really know what this means but it gets me SO FUCKING AMPED!
This is St. Louis, where the history of tomorrow is being written today. Where career goals and personal goals can live in perfect balance, and dreams can actually afford to come true. And they are coming true, for thousands of purposeful people who show up every day to make St. Louis what St. Lou, is.
I'm spent. I can't. I am weeping tears of pride. My heart is beating through my chest. I just can't believe how well they captured the unmitigated glory that is life in my city. Dynamic opportunity hub thriving discovery eternal unbridled optimism pioneers! Dreams come true innovators career goals livability!

....it's what St. Lou, is!

Watch the video below, but try to control yourself — especially if you are at work:


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