Thursday, October 20, 2016

15 Great Halloween Costumes for Snarky St. Louisans

Posted By on Thu, Oct 20, 2016 at 7:11 AM

Which would you rather be for Halloween: A stale mid-80s fast food mascot — or the Hamburglar? - BEATLE BOB PHOTO BY LYNN TERRY
  • Beatle Bob photo by Lynn Terry
  • Which would you rather be for Halloween: A stale mid-80s fast food mascot — or the Hamburglar?

If it's Halloween season, that means the pressure is on: It's time to find the perfect costume. A costume that shows you're funny, but not clueless, a costume that shows you get that it's 2016 and you are absolutely in on the joke. And no, we're not talking about sexy corn

Here are fifteen costume ideas for St. Louisans who'd rather be snarky than stupid.

1. Beatle Bob
The most important piece of this costume is its cost, which should be free — do not, under any circumstances, pay any money for any of its elements. It simply wouldn't be authentic. Dye a mop brown and put it on your head, then don a cheap suit. Go out in public and get in everyone's way, all the time. If someone is trying to see something, be sure that they see the back of your bobbing head instead. Also, eat some McDonald's, apparently.

2. The Loop Trolley
Spend an unholy amount of money on this costume — preferably other people's. Make sure that you make a ton of noise while putting it together. Don't complete it in time for Halloween; cite unexpected delays. The actual elements of the costume itself are unimportant — spray-paint some cardboard boxes or something. It doesn't matter. Just be sure to stand in the way of anyone attempting to enter any nearby business. Kick the shit out of anyone you see riding a bicycle.

3. Eric Greitens
Grab an expensive suit, a belt-fed NERF gun and a stack of books on history, politics and humanitarianism. On the way to the party, throw the books in the garbage. Bust through the front door with a high kick and perfectly-executed somersault and begin firing darts everywhere. Accuse the host spiking the punch bowl and being a "career punchatician." Refuse to answer any questions about who paid for your suit. 

4. Joe Buck
Look smug. No, smugger. Pretend you're smarter than everybody you can see and everybody you can imagine. Start to tell the people around you how smart you are but instead describe what's happening in the room, like "that kid is dressed like Elsa from Frozen," but with the undertone of "I'm smarter than that kid dressed like Elsa from Frozen." Now get a microphone and a bald cap. Halfway through the night, cut off part of that bald cap so some of your hair is visible. Keep doing this at regular intervals. If you can fake vocal chord paralysis, so much the better.

5. A St. Louis Taxi
Even though everyone invites you over and over again, asking you to meet them at the party, refuse to show up under any circumstances. Instead, hire a lawyer and try to block Uber from attending. Swear that it's all about fairness.

6. Jay Nixon
Wear a cheap suit and tie. When you get the party, scan the room. Are there black people there? Flee like a piss-baby while leaving behind press releases that state how concerned you are about what's happening in our cities. When someone commits a party foul, refuse to pardon them.

7. A Joy FM Driver
Stick a 99.1 Joy! FM sticker on your person. Run headlong into everyone at the party while singing Michael W. Smith songs. Absolutely refuse to take a joke.

Turn the page for more snarky St. Louis costumes, including everyone's favorite Charter pitchman.

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