Wednesday, November 23, 2016

What Is Missouri Most Thankful For? Try Thunderstorms

Posted By on Wed, Nov 23, 2016 at 12:10 PM

click to enlarge SHUTTERSTOCK/PIOTR KRZESLAK
  • SHUTTERSTOCK/Piotr Krzeslak

A Facebook report suggests that, of all things to be thankful for, Missourians have chosen thunderstorms. How could this be, you ask?

We're here to explain.

Think of Missouri as one big, unruly family.

The Missouris all get together on Thanksgiving to watch football and eat turkey (probably deep-fried, but not guaranteed). The big, main trunk of the family — Grandma & Grandpa, their several kids and those kids oldest kids — all proudly voted for Trump. They're very excited about the new gun laws that go into effect on January 1, and they're pleased as punch that their smokes aren't going up in cost because of some pesky tax. This part of the family is the big, doughy middle section of Missouri (the state, not the family. It's confusing, but that's what happens when cousins marry).

And then there's that part of the family that married into the Missouris. They voted for Hillary, or maybe Jill Stein if their doula suggested it strongly enough. They don't smoke, they do yoga or Crossfit, they like craft beer and most of the stuff they brought for dinner is vegan, gluten-free or at least cage- and cruelty-free. Let's call these in-laws (or "outlaws," as Uncle Jimmy calls them, laughing around his wad of chaw and mashed potatoes) KC and Lou. I think you know what part of the state they represent.

And now it's time to eat. What does everybody talk about to keep it peaceful and copacetic?

"We had a big thunderstorm last week that knocked out power for half a day," says Uncle Jimmy.

KC laughs and says that they also bad a big one roll in from Kansas that took down a bunch of branches and almost ripped the Chiefs flags of his car.

"I'm so thankful for thunderstorms right now," thinks every member of the Missouri family as they hide Great Aunt Doris' infamous Hot Corn under turkey bones and remove the celery from the stuffing.

Makes sense now, does it not?

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