Thursday, January 12, 2017

The 15 Phases of a St. Louis Snowstorm

Posted By on Thu, Jan 12, 2017 at 12:32 PM

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR / CLINT RUTKAS.
So you think we know how to properly deal with snow in St. Louis? After all, we're in the Midwest, which according to the outside world is the land of cornfields, cows and harsh winters. You think that we carry on no matter how much snow we get, standing guard with snow plows, salt and shovels at the ready all winter long?

Well guess what? You thought wrong.

Here's a reality check, with the fifteen phases of how a snowstorm really goes down in St. Louis.

1. Word gets out that snow is possible later in the week. You decide you’ll believe it when you see it and continue eating your Ted Drewes and counting down the days until opening day because, apparently, that’s all people think we do around here.

2. The big day gets closer. You start to wonder if you could get away with working from home. Continue eating Ted Drewes. Or whatever the heck you’re really doing.

3. It’s the day of predicted snow and/or ice. Suddenly, news channels are flush with meteorologists and reporters telling you that you might as well prepare for the apocalypse. You know these people are all morons whose only job is to look out the window and pad the rest of their “report” with the NOAA’s forecast, so you arrive at work in open-toed shoes and a light jacket.

4. Hey, is that a snowflake? It is? PANIC. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

5. Join the mad dash to Schnucks to gather all the necessary ingredients for making French toast. Why, you ask? Please. You’re obviously not from here. It’s what we do. How many gallons of milk do you need? One? Two? Wrong — as many as that cart will hold. What if you don’t have enough bread for French toast?! Grab another four loaves.

6. Get back in the car. Turn on the radio for weather updates. Get bored. Flick between KMOX’s weather bulletins and The Fan for Hot Stove updates.

7. HOLY SHIT THEY SAY THE END IS NEAR.

8. You get home — just kidding, you’re stuck in traffic for two hours on 64 because there’s a half-inch of snow falling. Isn’t it pretty?

9. NO, IT’S NOT. I PLANNED ON WATCHING DONNYBROOK THIS EVENING.

10. You sit in the car imagining how Colorado has to be laughing at us. Then again, they’re off snowboarding and smoking pot, reeking of patchouli and wet dreadlocks — they laugh at anything.

10 a) SERIOUSLY, ST. LOUIS. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.

11. You get home, like, an eternity later. Fall asleep anticipating a crap load of snow.

12. You get an automated messaged at freaking five in the morning from your kids’ school announcing that they have a snow day. Seriously, why can’t they just decide things before 10 p.m. like a normal person?

13. You actually get up, look outside, and there’s a foot of snow on the ground.

14. JUST KIDDING, WE GOT .25 OF AN INCH.

15. Happy St. Louis Snow day, y’all. Now go make that French toast.


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