Tuesday, November 21, 2017

15 Things We're Grateful for in 2017

Posted By on Tue, Nov 21, 2017 at 7:13 AM

click to enlarge FLICKR/THOMAS HAWK
Whoever said 2017 sucked? A bunch of ingrates, that's who. Over here at the RFT, we had no problem coming up with a veritable Cahokia mound of things to be grateful for.

Here's what we're saying thank you for this Thanksgiving.

— We are thankful that we can get to most of the places we want to go around here in about ten minutes, give or take. Oh, and we're no more than a half hour away from Deliverance!

— Related: Commenters on our stories remain utterly unashamed about letting everyone know exactly who they really are. Honesty can be so ... illuminating.

— We're thankful Stan Kroenke bought the entire St. Louis Rams team and then ate them and their uniforms. A fitting end.

— We're thankful the sales tax is going up because if the police don't get raises today, they may not be around to tear gas us tomorrow. Glass half full, kids.

— Also, we are thankful that police got their taxpayer-funded pay raise before the FBI opened an investigation into their civil rights abuses against taxpaying citizens. Wouldn't it have been embarrassing if we'd approved that after that news came out?

— We're grateful for that massive citronella fire that engulfed a south city warehouse last week. Yeah, we're all inhaling particulates, but at least we may get a break from mosquitoes next year?

— We're thankful that Eat-Rite Diner may yet live on. 'Nuff said!

— We are thankful that the RFT offices moved far from the Loop before that old-timey side-mirror-removing-machine finally lurched into being some 1,000 years after it was initially projected to do so.

— We're thankful for the technological advances that make videotaping those in authority as easy as whipping out our smartphones and hitting "record." What a piece of work is man — and how wonderful that tape always seems to be rolling, thereby allowing gadflies and pesky reporters to prove it!

— We are thankful for Jeff Roorda, who can consistently be counted on to give the wrong take on everything, making doing the right thing as easy as adhering to the polar opposite of whatever it is Roorda said.

— We are grateful that those cows who escaped from the slaughterhouse found themselves a happy ending. They suggest there may be hope for us all.

— We are thankful for the Lion's Choice food truck. Finally, lion meat on the go!

— We're thankful that Governor Greitens had the good sense to save us from ourselves with that whole minimum wage increase. We probably would have spent those unfathomable riches on dumb stuff like food and gas instead of guns anyway.

— We're grateful there are consequences for using the federally regulated airwaves to spew hateful racial slurs on a consistent basis. Isn't it good to know we live in an era when hate speech simply won't be tolerated? [Editor's note: Fact-check this.]

— Finally, we're grateful for Kevin. He made us laugh, he made us vaguely concerned about his well-being, he made us laugh some more, and then he served us some damn good pizza. Would that we could say the same for all of our neighbors!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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