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Thursday, July 5, 2018

Big Fat Overly Confident Missouri Men Also Very Polite, New Study Finds

Posted By on Thu, Jul 5, 2018 at 6:56 AM

Oh hello there, dear reader. Thank you for joining us today. Would you like to sit down? Let us pull that chair out for you. Can we get you a glass of water?

The reason we asked you to come here today — and again, thank you for obliging us; we're truly grateful — is to discuss a new study that came out this week that finds that the state of Missouri has the seventh most polite men in the entire nation.

The findings come via FreshBooks, an invoicing and accounting software company that analyzed data from a slew of freelancer invoices from both men and women across the nation in search of the words "please" and "thank you." The company's goal (aside from farming some clickbait content in a bid to get its name in some news articles, of course) was to determine which states and genders have the best manners.

Now, we're terribly sorry if their findings surprise or upset you, and of course we're sympathetic to any concerns or needs that you may have, but FreshBooks found that, while women are on average more polite than men at 15 percent to the guys' 12 percent, the most polite men edge out the most polite women by a full 9 percent.

Furthermore, when FreshBooks released lists of the most polite states by gender, it found that Missouri men are among the most polite in the nation, coming in at number seven, whereas Missouri women did not crack the top ten.

If there are any Missouri women out there reading this who find that information upsetting, please know that the men of this state are more than willing to lend a sympathetic ear (as long as you can keep it civil, sheesh).

Here are the rankings:


Wisconsin (47%)
South Dakota (31%)
Oklahoma (23%)
Nevada (22%)
Arkansas (22%)
Rhode Island (21%)
Iowa (20%)
Tennessee (19%)
California (19%)
Kansas (18%)


Oklahoma (56%)
Ohio (31%)
Alaska (22%)
Rhode Island (17%)
Texas (16%)
Minnesota (15%)
Missouri (14%)
Montana (14%)
Alabama (13%)
Arkansas (13%)

This is on the heels of another recent study concluding that we stout Missouri men are also among the most body-confident in the country, despite being very fat and having small penises. That confidence may account for our consistently sunny disposition and overall chivalry as a group.

Come to think of it, though, it may also account for Missouri women's comparative overall crabbiness. Having to deal every day with a bunch of fat-ass baby-dicked men absolutely brimming with unearned confidence is likely to wear any self-respecting (and most likely sexually unsatisfied) woman down.

Truly sorry of course, ma'am.

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