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Thursday, July 12, 2018

This Loop Trolley Will Run ... Over My Dead Body

Posted By on Thu, Jul 12, 2018 at 6:52 AM

Did you hear the news? The Loop Trolley still isn't running yet. That "late June" deadline came and went like a thief in the night, and organizers have ceased even pretending they know what date it will finally lurch to life, though they do have the hours of operation down (super helpful, sure, thanks guys). This means we're now like, 100 years behind schedule (and counting!).

The delay is said to be related to continued testing for safety concerns. “They’re very safety-oriented, which is good and all,” choo-choo train enthusiast Joe Edwards recently told the Post-Dispatch of his fellow backers. “It just takes more time."

It is good that the trolley is being built with safety in mind! However, it is a shame that I, on the very first day it starts running, am going to negate all of that diligent planning by attempting to fit my entire body underneath the trolley as it rolls down the tracks.

"Why would you do such a thing?" you might ask. Well, to that I might retort that why would we ever devote so much time and effort and resources and taxpayer money and road space to something so utterly pointless and useless, especially when it is becoming increasingly clear that it will never, ever, ever actually come into existence?

Man is an enigma, his motivations often confounding, his actions ever more so. In short: because I think I can fit.

I also think it would be possible and fun to throw a whole lot of bicycles out onto the tracks while the trolley is moving, assuming it ever does (it won't). Crunch, bang, pow! Remember that proposal to ban bicycles in the Loop because the trolley tracks keep badly injuring people? Finally, something for U-City residents to do with their worthless bikes.

Edwards recently and characteristically bought a large fiberglass rhinoceros at an auction of the now-shuttered Tower Tee's inventory. Ace Post-Dispatch photographer Robert Cohen took this hilarious photo of him attempting to load it into the trunk of his car. The caption on the photo reads, "Joe Edwards of the Delmar Loop fame tries unsuccessfully to fit a fiberglass rhinoceros in his trunk." It almost seems like his obviously doomed quest here could be an easy metaphor for something.

In any case, I bet I could fit that rhino under the trolley if I really tried.

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