Best and Worst Easter Candy Countdown: Jordan Almonds, Worst

Mar 28, 2012 at 9:00 am
Best and Worst Easter Candy Countdown: Jordan Almonds, Worst
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As Easter Sunday creeps closer, Gut Check dreams of baskets piled high with pastel-colored candies, chocolate shaped like baby animals and, oh sweet Jesus, Cadbury eggs. We remember well the ritual of sorting the bounty bestowed by the big, weird Easter Bunny: Would it be good stuff...or crap?

Want to avoid the inevitable disappointment of unsatisfying, subpar Easter candy? Check out our take on the 5 Best and Worst Easter Treats, which we'll trot out each day as the holiday approaches... Worst Easter Candy Countdown, No. 3: Jordan Almonds Jordan almonds are Easter's version of those horrible saltwater taffies you get at Halloween -- and no, we don't mean in taste, we mean in that they are a terrible holiday tradition. Jordan almonds are sprinkled atop Easter baskets, springtime table settings, bunny-shaped cakes and whatever else Martha Stewart and Pinterest moms can get their hands on.

The rock-solid density of these cursed chalk-flavored candies will crack a tooth on the first bite, and don't even try to argue that they're a healthier alternative to caramel-filled chocolate or saccharine-speckled marshmallow air: Jordan almonds are just sugar-coated nuts, people.

The reason for their perennial popularity might be more offensive than the taste; despite being a year-round "classic candy" available at Walgreens, Target and the like, the only reason these candies keep hopping back into the Easter holiday is that they're pastel-colored. If you take away the pale springy coloring, the only thing jordan almonds have in common with Easter is a striking similarity to the boulder that sealed Jesus' tomb.