Booty Call

Ah, the single life. Is there anything better? Is there anything you would rather do than go to the grave single, alone, yet able to watch whatever television show you want and to keep your apartment in whatever state of catastrophe you prefer? Before you answer, consider the booty call, a crowning Western achievement. Free sex! What a concept. But booty-call aficionados know that it isn't the sex itself that makes the booty call so satisfying; it's the knowledge that, come morning, you will never, ever have to talk to this person again. Until the next booty call.

Is a booty call better to give or receive? A difficult question (someone should really make a movie about this essential issue). Surely it's like Christmas presents; though old wives' tales speculate the former, everyone who's ever been six prefers the latter. But really, both are easy. Though calling someone you hardly ever talk to and asking if you can come over to their house and have sex with them sounds like a nerve-wracking endeavor, when aided by more than a few drinks, bumps and tokes, it's literally the easiest thing you'll ever do.

Sherri Lucas, the matriarch of St. Louis hipster nightlife and boss woman of the Way Out Club, understands this better than anybody. Along with her husband Bob Putnam — perhaps to atone for their sin of getting married — Sherri has taken it upon herself to make sure that local youngsters engage in as much meaningless sex as possible. Sherri even created a shot for it, the Booty Call. Half Smirnoff Vanilla Twist vodka, half peach schnapps, with a splash of Chambord, it is served chilled with a maraschino cherry in the glass. Slam it down, eat the cherry, and then tie the stem in a knot.

If you're a guy who just said to himself, "That sure sounds like a girly drink," then we're willing to suggest that you're not the kind of guy who gets a lot of booty calls. It's supposed to be a girly drink! You buy it for girls! The key to success as a single is making the women of this planet happy; if you wanted to make them miserable, you'd get married.

No matter what your gender, the Booty Call is a delicious drink and remarkably effective. Our date for the evening, having consumed two, received numerous booty calls later that night, though admittedly they were all from the same person. It's best to drink the Booty Call at the Way Out Club, but if you must try it at home, don't fuck around with the ingredients. "I tried to make it with Stoli once," Sherri reports, "but it made the back of my throat burn." Burning throats, after all, are not what Booty Calls are all about; they're for the morning after.