Hell's Kitchen: Episode 3

Apr 16, 2008 at 2:47 pm


Jeanette Kozlowski returns to review the new season of Hell's Kitchen, starring her favorite bad-boy chef, Gordon Ramsay.

If you missed the first two episodes of Hell's Kitchen's fourth season, let's get you up to speed. Not familiar with this scorching-hot FOX reality show?

Gordon Ramsay's culinary boot camp serves up raw emotion as 15 hopefuls compete for a senior chef position at a new Ramsay restaurant. They must not only prove themselves to each other but to the British chef superstar. With his shrill voice and drill sergeant-like demeanor, Gordon never misses a chance to skewer bewildered contestants. Actually, he seems to love it more than cooking.

Last week Corey nominated Christina and Jen for elimination. Ramsay didn't agree with her choice and kicked out gussied up Sharon instead. Since then Jen has been bitching up a hurricane, and St. Louis' own Christina has been drowning in tears of betrayal. Check out my minute-by-minute account of this week's episode after the jump.



8:06 p.m. Currently, Jen is definitely the favorite. This sassy, speak-before-she-thinks gal has the best one-liners thus far. Her zingers are almost as good as Ramsay's ... but not quite.

8:08 p.m. The contestants awaken to cluckety-clucks and feathers flying throughout the dorms. Chickens are on the loose. "This morning I want you to get up close and personal with your product," announces Ramsay, as he grips a terrified chicken and a cleaver to his chest. He then tells the gang they will be slicing and dicing some poultry. "Not these chickens, you donuts! The purpose of this exercise is to respect your product." Oh, that Ramsay!

8:09 p.m. Ramsay has already divided the group up into teams -- men versus women. The guys feel they have an advantage since Corey decided to divide her team last week. The morning's challenge is to cut a raw chicken into eight parts.

8:11 p.m. Vanessa does a perfect job as does Rosanne, Corey and Christina. The red team is off to a strong start.

8:13 p.m. Jason, the obvious douchebag of the show, continues with his frequent misogynist and elementary comments. For reality TV producers, he is pure, mentally challenged gold.

8:16 p.m. "Not good, Craig! Not good enough," scolds Ramsay. After Craig cuts the chicken as if he is going for a nice stroll on a sunny Sunday afternoon, he loses the competition for the men. Ramsay sends the blue team to pick peppers in a field with the blazing sun beating down. Meanwhile, the ladies get to wine and dine at The Saddle Ranch.

8:18 p.m. One of the guys gets hostile: "When I get on that field, I'm gonna start throwing peppers at Craig!" Then Matt acts completely immature for a 35-year-old as he pouts and throws stuff all around his room.

8:20 p.m. On the dinner date with the ladies, former contestant Aaron shows up riding the mechanical bull. Everyone had a good laugh while he recalls his on-air cry.

8:21 p.m. "I'm chubby for two reasons: Number one, I like food. Number two, I don't do work like that," Jason says as he huffs and puffs and looks like he might actually have a stroke. Wow, what a virile man! Don't feel bad, Jason. No woman could do that job, either (i.e. you're a total pussy, dude).

8:22 p.m. Bikini-clad Corey plans to woo the guys with her semi-doughy body. Watch out, boys! She slinks into the steamy hot tub, and guess who takes the bait? Oh, Jason. After the super-challenging fieldwork he endured, he probably does need some good, quality T&A time.

8:23 p.m. Incoming! Suffice it to say Jason makes a big splash for the ladies.

8:26 p.m. Ben gets defensive when he discovers Jason in the hot tub with the competition. "If there's one thing I don't like, it's a fucking rat," Ben snarls.

8:28 p.m. Christina and Corey play nice, but Christina tells the camera she wants Corey out. Well, at least she's honest.

8:29 p.m. Ramsay puts Jason on desserts and politely reminds him not to eat any. Yuk yuk yuk. Jason gets in even more trouble when he can't recite what desserts are on the menu to Ramsay. Not good, bro.

8:30 p.m. Christina totally outshines Craig on appetizers.

8:31 p.m. Rosann gets accosted by Ramsay for putting too much pepper on a dish.

8:32 p.m. Everyone is complaining about Craig's performance. Ramsay even sends out half a table's appetizers with the other half still waiting. It appears Craig has forgotten how to cook bacon. To make matters worse someone throws in a "bringing home the bacon" joke. So. Not. Funny.



8:34 p.m. Two hours into dinner service, Jason is getting sensitive outside, and he comes back in to mess up on the desserts again. "I can't do it; I really can't," stammers the portly failure. Ramsay asks, "Do you want to go home?" He answers: "Yes, I am done." Smell ya later, fatty!

8:38 p.m. Then Jason pulls the desserts list out of his ass (uh, not literally. Sorry for that visual). "I don't think he wanted me to quit; he wanted to beat my ass a little more," Jason says. No, Jason, everyone pretty much wants you to quit. Buh-bye!

8:40 p.m. And then Vanessa almost serves raw meat. Now, I don't cook meat (let alone eat it), but isn't it pretty simple procedure to check for raw meat? I mean, it's pretty obvious when there is still blood running off the plate.

8:41p.m. More finger pointing in the blue kitchen. While Ben burns salmon, tableside cook Bobby serves the chicken family-style to appease the customers.

8:43 p.m. Just when Ramsay couldn't scream louder, Rosann almost sets the red kitchen on fire with the entrees. He flings a flaming pan into the sing and cries, "Cooking my ass!"

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8:44 p.m. Jason is fed up with dessert duty and asserts that the women should be the one making it. Someone needs to get Betty Crocker or Aunt Jemima on this guy's ass. Or better yet -- Martha Stewart. Who knows what sort of moves she learned in the slammer!

8:45 p.m. Ramsay takes to banging his head against the table. More screaming, cussing, kicking trashcans -- I've never seen men, or women, look this panicked before.

8:48 p.m. One by one, Ramsay calls out the contestants: "And you don't care! And you're just all over the place! And you're just pathetic!" The only two who weren't completely awful turn out to be Christina and Petrozza. They are sent upstairs to think about whom they want to pick for elimination.

8:50 p.m. Ramsay wails so violently in Bobby's face it makes me want to turn off the TV. Jesus! He was just waving to his customers/fans.

8:51 p.m. "There's only one dumb blond left, and it ain't me," Christina says. She smokes??!?

8:52 p.m. Petrozza nominates Jason. Christina surprises everyone by nominating Vanessa. This move proves Christina's intellegence. If she'd picked Corey, Ramsay would have seen through her.

8:56 p.m. Jason pleads his case: "I deserve to stay because I have yet to prove myself." Ramsay retorts: "You moved like a tortoise giving birth!"

8:57 p.m. "I'm not going to give you any excuses," Vanessa says. Ramsay tells her: "Talking to you during service is just like talking to a refrigeration service. Cold."

8:58 p.m. Vanessa gets one more chance. Hooray. Bye, chubby!! And as if he hasn't insulted enough females, Jason goes on some diatribe about how he could have stayed if he would have cried like the women did. "I'm a man; I am not going to cry about it -- I am however going to get drunk." You do that.

9:00 p.m. Next week looks promising: More raw food, fires and broken dreams. With all those out-of-control fires, you'd think it'd be impossible for something to be served raw. Heh. Think again.

-Jeanette Kozlowski