Make Your Own Person With Food!

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I said bundt cake, not butt cake! - image via
I said bundt cake, not butt cake!

Remember the Halloweens of yore? The haunted house in your best friend's basement, where her overbearing dad delighted in cramming your hand into a bowl of peeled grapes while trumpeting, "Oh no! It's a bowl of eyeballs!," causing you to piss your pants break into a nervous jean-soaking sweat.

We're not falling for the peeled-grape trick any more. Or the bowl of spaghetti "guts." Not when an edible body is so easy to whip up with these snazzy severed snacks....

The actual body's the hardest part, what with its limbs, girth and mass. There's a baker in Thailand who can help. Kittiwat Unarrom, who has a master's in fine arts and baker parents, crafts bread into body parts. He can (please don't make us say it) give you a hand.

Make Your Own Person With Food!

The fingers aren't quite gnarly enough. Martha Stewart can help. She has donated her own fingers and toes to the abhorrent-phalange cause.

Make Your Own Person With Food!
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia

Oh, wait. Those aren't Martha's actual fingers. They're just homemade pretzels with an almond- and food-coloring manicure.

For the truly human touch, how about a skinned head? The crafty folks at Make Magazine have step-by-step instructions for making a chopped ham head, which is slightly less appalling than eating real human face flesh.

Make Your Own Person With Food!
Make Magazine

Need a little more face with your head? Hit Burger King and you might get lucky and find a sesame seed smile on your Whopper bun.

Make Your Own Person With Food!
Daily Fork/Village Voice

If you're making a man and your local erotic bakery just won't do, try your luck at McDonald's. There just might be a crisp phallus in that box o' Chicken Selects!

Make Your Own Person With Food!

Women's genitalia's not quite so simple. Sure, you can go for tacos or clams, but that's so eighth grade. There's a lot more to it than that. A female reproductive tract rendered in gingerbread and filled with delicious candy will educate and satisfy. It's where Jelly Babies come from!

Make Your Own Person With Food!

Do we have to draw you a map? Okay!

Make Your Own Person With Food!

How to best serve your edible body? On a plate made from the imprint of your ass, of course.

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