Rummy Bears: An Illustrated Cautionary Tale

Every few months some dumbshit American teen discovers a new, idiotic way to get high. (Whatever happened to good old reefer madness?) And then on the next slow news day, the story's reported with a hint of panic and a few exaggerations to imply that your kids are probably dumbshits, too.

Kids inhale cow-shit-methane and nutmeg, they iDose and, of course, they do whip its. The lastest trend? Smuggling booze into school inside adorable little Gummy Bears. As you know, Gut Check is deeply concerned with the welfare of your precious little babies. So, we began investigating.

Kids, when you soak gummy bears in alcohol, they get drunk. And this is what happens.

A Google search for "how to make vodka gummy bears" will pull up dozens of results, but the recipe's pretty simple: toss a bag of gummy bears into a glass container, add enough vodka to cover the bears, set in fridge for 1-5 days.

So, that's what we did. And then we made another batch with rum ("rummy bears") and another with tequila (sub gummy worms for bears, naturally), labeled them with a nice note requesting that our fellow employees please abstain from eating our booze bears until further notice, and left the gummies to relax in their liquor-soaked orgy.

We'd planned to let the bears chill for about a week, checking them daily. But after only 24 hours, the bears were plump and the liquor was nearly all absorbed.

We drained the excess liquid and plopped the samples onto a plate. Our test subjects, a motley bunch of hard-drinking journalists, were intrigued and excited at the opportunity to get a buzz on at the office by eating adorable booze-soaked gummies.