Ten Apple Scandals We Hope to See in Upcoming Dierbergs Ads

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Mmmm, hot, sweaty, scandalous...apples!
Mmmm, hot, sweaty, scandalous...apples!

Dierbergs has an ongoing love affair with its own fruit and vegetables. Over the summer we chronicled its ballsy challenge aimed at other grocery stores' cherries -- bigger! cherrier-er! -- but when we took the time to measure the cherries in a highly scientific random sampling at our dining-room table, we found the statistical difference to be negligible.

And so we were delighted to find Dierbergs again creatively showcasing its produce on the front page of this week's ad. This time: apples. And that makes sense. Fall is prime time for this fruit; there's no bobbing for gourds, no caramel-covered cauliflower.

This week's ad copy concerning its Honeycrisp apples reads like something out of the supermarket tabloids: "The Honeycrisp...has become the rockstar of the apple world," it says, citing the foremost authority in all things apple, the Chicago Tribune.

In fact, the article is from the October 10, 2007, edition of the Tribune, meaning that, five years and two days later, the rock-star Honeycrisp's, erm, apple cart has surely been overturned by some younger, cooler fruit, and, depressed, is now set to appear on Celebrity Rehab.

Which got us thinking: What other apples will be touted in Dierbergs' upcoming ads, paparazzi-style?

Apple orgy! Apple orgy!
Apple orgy! Apple orgy!

Top Ten Imaginary Apple Scandals Dierbergs Should Exploit in Next Week's Ad

"Golden Delicious, Red Delicious, sexy teacher, hot doc caught in steamy love rhombus!"

"McIntosh: 'Deep down, I've always felt like I was a PC.'"

"Jonathan...spreading his seed!"

"Shocker: 'Pink Lady' formerly known as 'Cripps Pink'! Apple's gang-banging past revealed!"

"Voice behind the Fujis threatens to leave group, start side project"

"Ballyfatten? More like belly's fattened! Apple-shaped apple can't lose the baby weight! Exclusive photos inside!"

"Ozark Gold caught with pants down in Party Cove!"

"Breakout hip-hopper Arkansas Black to NYC maitre'd: 'Don't you know who I am?'"

"Gala lives up to its name in lavish, boozy Vegas bender!"

"Granny Smith is a total slut"

(If, like Gut Check, you have nerdy tendencies, we strongly recommend that you click here to discover fascinating notes about apples' looks and tastes, ranging from "warty" to "prolific" to "cork-like," and the history of different apple varieties which involve murder, Hodgkin's disease and, of course, gravity.)

Through Monday, October 15, customers can score "rockstar" Honeycrisp apples at Dierbergs for $2.99 a pound.

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