Ten Apple Scandals We Hope to See in Upcoming Dierbergs Ads

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Apple orgy! Apple orgy!
Apple orgy! Apple orgy!

Top Ten Imaginary Apple Scandals Dierbergs Should Exploit in Next Week's Ad

"Golden Delicious, Red Delicious, sexy teacher, hot doc caught in steamy love rhombus!"

"McIntosh: 'Deep down, I've always felt like I was a PC.'"

"Jonathan...spreading his seed!"

"Shocker: 'Pink Lady' formerly known as 'Cripps Pink'! Apple's gang-banging past revealed!"

"Voice behind the Fujis threatens to leave group, start side project"

"Ballyfatten? More like belly's fattened! Apple-shaped apple can't lose the baby weight! Exclusive photos inside!"

"Ozark Gold caught with pants down in Party Cove!"

"Breakout hip-hopper Arkansas Black to NYC maitre'd: 'Don't you know who I am?'"

"Gala lives up to its name in lavish, boozy Vegas bender!"

"Granny Smith is a total slut"

(If, like Gut Check, you have nerdy tendencies, we strongly recommend that you click here to discover fascinating notes about apples' looks and tastes, ranging from "warty" to "prolific" to "cork-like," and the history of different apple varieties which involve murder, Hodgkin's disease and, of course, gravity.)

Through Monday, October 15, customers can score "rockstar" Honeycrisp apples at Dierbergs for $2.99 a pound.

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