Throwback of the House: Fruitcake Slices, All the Fun of Fruitcake With None of the Booze

What's missing? The goddamn whiskey, that's what. Alcohol is fruitcake's only redeeming quality. Christmas is ruined.

As for the cookies, they're fruitcakey enough to satisfy my husband and light enough on the candied junk not to repulse me completely. Dunk them Oreo-style in Jack Daniels -- not just because you need to take the edge off, but because the lack of liquid in the recipe makes the cookies dry as coal. The cherries distract from the dryness with a rubber crunch and a mouthfeel that can come only from a marinade in high-fructose corn syrup.

OK, so maybe they're not as bad as I expected. I ate three -- without whiskey. It's a Christmas miracle.

Robin Wheeler writes the blog Poppy Mom and is a regular contributor to Gut Check. After years of making and eating fancy food, Robin is sick of it all. She's returning to the basics: recipes that haven't surfaced in three decades. She reports on the results every Monday.