Throwback of the House: New-Look Cocktail Spreads Defy Color Theory, Flavor Combinations

The more I read, the more certain I am that the people at Good Housekeeping were the smirking girls in high school who'd take a dowdy girl, offer her a make-over, turn her into Whizzo the Clown and laugh at her expense.

"Hey Mitzi. I know how we can really screw things up for poor old Ann Marie. Let's convince her that cheddar's red and that green cheese is visually appealing!"

1967's Perfect Parties isn't the first time Good Housekeeping has tried to ruin our lives. Do I need to remind you of the Ham-Peach Barbecue, Vienna Sausage Shortcake and Summer Cheese Bake? The New-Look Cocktail Spreads, specifically the Red and Green Cheese Balls, are no better.

For the red cheese ball, blend shredded cheddar, minced black olives, cream cheese, Worcestershire sauce and salts of celery, onion and garlic. Sure, that'll turn red. It'll be fine.

For the green cheese ball, blend crumbled blue cheese, Kraft Roka Blue cheese spread, minced celery, scallions and sour cream. Except Kraft discontinued its Roka to much uproar. Before I found the Kraft-approved substitute recipe, I opted for cold-pack processed Swiss almond cheese.

The recipe instructs that the cheese balls should be rolled in foil, chilled and then coated in dried beef (red) and chopped curly parsley (green). Joke's on you! It'll look nothing like the photos in the cookbook! Good Housekeeping molded the cheese balls in fluted molds and topped them with hairdos of garnish that look like 1970s porn pubes.