Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sneak of the Dead

Posted By on Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 4:45 PM

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3. Snack Bar Full of Weapons

OK, visualize all the popcorn that gets made at a movie theater every day. Now, visualize the heating element that keeps it atomically hot. OK, now think about the 247 gallons of fake butter in the closet behind the snack bar. Good.

click to enlarge Who has two thumbs and is ready for the zombie apocalypse? This guy. - LEON MALKOVICH, WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
Now, using skills unknown to you before the undead armageddon, rig the popcorn heat lamp into a device that will boil the fake butter and drag it up to the roof. Uh huh. Now pour boiling fake butter on the zombies trying to get into the theater. This medieval favorite is still just as good a deterrent for those attempting siege, but is now even more fun because zombies don't die when hit: They just get some external damage and become very slippery. Since zombies tend to roam in ravening hordes, hitting just one of them is probably enough to butter up the whole group when they clamber over the top of him.

Here's a fun game to play with buttered-up zombies: brain fishing. Making space for humor and recreation are vital to your mental health and, thus, survival in the event of an uprising of the living dead. So take some of the leftover popcorn and stick it together with the Pepsi concentrate for the soda fountain. Form it into the shape of a human brain -- it should be fairly gray in color already. Now attach it to a length of film -- something you don't want to see, of course, like the last Terminator movie.

Now go up to the roof and have some fun! You can drop the brain to the ground and drag it along, just out of your target zombie's reach or lower it to head height in a group of them to make them jump and tear at each other in futile attempts to bite it out of the air. If you use something particularly sturdy as your line, like electrical cord, you can even hook one and haul it up so your partner gets a better chance to blast it with a shotgun. Really, there are so many applications for this after the dead outnumber the living.

If you're more interested in volume than flash when it comes to exterminating shambling corpse cannibal freaks, look no further than your own two feet. That sticky stuff on theater floors?* That is absolutely organic, which means you have the means at your disposal in the snack bar to make a giant zombie glue trap outside the theater. Plan it well enough and get a high zombie volume and you'll essentially have a fence of the suckers writhing around the perimeter and keeping others out.

* - Sneaks are not responsible for that.

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