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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sneak of the Dead

Posted By on Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 4:45 PM

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4. Stadium Seating Is Perfect for Sniping

When theaters, especially large ones, go belly-up, they're difficult spaces to re-imagine. Just about anything but a movie theater moving into the space must require a huge amount of space and be willing to undertake massive renovations. Most end up as vaguely butter-smelling gyms. I've never understood why more haven't been opened as indoor paintball venues: multiple levels, including tiers just big enough for a single person to crouch down behind a seat and pop up as soon as she gets a shot? Delightful.

In the event that zombies actually breech your well-defended theater, don't give up hope. The ample cover of theater seating and natural strategic advantage of not being a zombie may yet give you the day. A human confederate may also be able to help you by seeing you from the projectionist's booth and blinding the zombies with a quick blast of the opening credits.

5. When in Doubt, Burn the Place Down

You remember Gremlins, so I know I don't have to explain this part. There's a reason you need to familiarize yourself with the exits in a theater before you get too into the movie. Unless you just happen to be holed up in an old revival house with a lot of film stock from the 1930s and '40s, the film itself won't be flammable, but the seat cushions, carpets and front curtains are probably all made out of synthetic fibers -- petroleum-based synthetic fibers. You don't even need extra gasoline. Just make sure everyone's got a way out and some idea of where to go before you lock the doors from the outside and torch that zombie cave.

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