Thursday, November 19, 2009

15 Musts for a Perfect Dive Bar Thanksgiving

Posted By on Thu, Nov 19, 2009 at 10:28 AM

Totino's: Perfect for the One-Person Party You'll be Having.
Reportedly the best-selling "economy frozen pizza" in the U-S-of-A, Totino's pizzas take about two beers (in beer time) to cook and provide a boost of energy to prepare you for the rail gin-and-tonic you'll be ordering after you hit "Ignore" on your cell phone when you see an incoming call from a family member. G'head, have another square of Totino's. More notes: Must be cooked in a toaster oven, just like in a bar. Real ovens and pilot lights don't mix when family angst and cheap alcohol are involved.

It's got a rep as a beer for people who want to be cool by drinking uncool beer, thus making the beer cool, but PBR is, for the most part, a cheap, easy-drinking brew. Despite the hordes or rockabilly dudes and proletarian-for-a-day types who swill this stuff, it goes quite well with your...


Bikini Butterball Turkey!
Place a few hunks of this bird between two slices of untoasted white bread, add some mayo, and you have a recipe for the most Caucasian sandwich in history. It's the top-selling turkey brand in the USA and has been for more than 40 years. Just remember to call the Turkey Talk-Line if you have questions. (How to make a perfectly trashy turkey like the one above.) Also not to be ignored is the Turkey Roll: "A combination of all natural ground turkey and 32 percent less fat than regular ground beef."

Sexy Darts
Like karaoke, a good game of darts is a nice way to get up and move around between drinking and eating in a place where everybody knows your name. If they're sexy darts, complete with speaker holes around a blonde's sternum, you might be playing a one-of-a-kind machine, a full multimedia experience. If you're a woman playing sexy darts and you find yourself in Alton, Illinois, be careful about what is asked of you next.

Wonderbread (Untoasted)
The key here is to leave the preservative-laden Wonderbread untoasted, so it retains the characteristic gumminess, getting stuck on the roof of your mouth. Luckily, you're in a dive bar so the antidote is all around you. If you're recreating the dive bar Thanksgiving experience in the comfort of your own home, make sure to splash (just a splash) a little Budweiser inside the sandwich bag for authenticity.

Canned Cranberry Sauce
The canned cranberry sauce acts as a time-measuring device. No one actually eats it, but the more it leans, the longer you've been in said bar. Watch it carefully. Or eat the entire glob on a dare. Up to you. Either way, this is essential to your perfect dive bar Thanksgiving for that reason. It's also the set-up for a variety of jokes and light-hearted comparisons to people in the room. On a related note, the canned cranberry sauce glob can serve a similar function at the more family-oriented Thanksgiving feasts.

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