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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Taco Bell Wants an Apology -- So What Are You Waiting For?

Posted By on Thu, Apr 21, 2011 at 5:00 PM

As Gut Check noted earlier this week, the lawyers who brought the class-action suit against Taco Bell, arguing that the fast-food chain's beef is only 36% real beef, have dropped the suit.

Apparently, this legal victory isn't enough for Taco Bell. Via Grub Street we learned that Taco Bell placed a full-page ad in USA Today and other papers demanding an apology.

Here is an excerpt of the passively-aggressively awesome open letter:
We were surprised by these allegations, as were out 35 million customers who come into our restaurants every week. We hope the voluntary withdrawal of the lawsuit receives as much public attention as when it was filed.

As for the lawyers who brought this suit: You got it wrong, and you're probably feeling pretty bad right about now. But you know what always helps? Saying to everyone, "I'm sorry."

C'mon, You can do it!
Frankly, we here at Gut Check think Taco Bell isn't going far enough. A whole lot of you -- yes, you -- owe Taco Bell an apology.

Hey, you! Yeah, you, who stopped at Taco Bell with your friends after school and took all the packets of hot sauce that were out and brought them to school and put them on classmates' chairs just before they sat down? Look: Those packets are "free" only in the sense that their cost is built into the price of the food you purchase. Taking all of them -- and then besmirching the pants of innocent bystanders -- was wrong.

Taco Bell awaits your apology.

And you! Yeah, you. Yes, Taco Bell preys upon the college kids stumbling out of the bar at 2 a.m. who need something hot, cheesy and greasy to soak up all the Jaeger bombs. However, that does NOT give you permission to approach the cashier with your dick out and erect and sheathed in a glow-in-the-dark condom and ask if she would "unwrap your burrito."

Taco Bell awaits your apology.

How about you, Mr. High & Mighty Food Critic? Sure, you talk up "authentic" tacos all the time, but when your lost and hungry in some small town off the highway, and the only option is Taco Bell, you throw your dignity out the window and chomp down on that chalupa supreme like this Fourth Meal could be your last.

Taco Bell awaits your apology.

Oh and you -- you might be the worst of all. Your little girl fell in love with the Taco Bell chihuahua. You resisted and resisted and then, finally, one Christmas you succumbed and bought her a chihuahua of her own. Of course, she didn't realize that a real chihuahua doesn't talk in any language, let alone saucily accented Spanish. Nor did she realize that a real chihuahua does piss and shit and bark and nip. So what did you do? You gathered up that chihuahua one night after your daughter had gone to bed and drove out to a little creek that no one but you ever visited -- and you only when the mood for quiet contemplation struck you, though never again after this fateful night -- and the next day, when she asked where Mr. Yippers went, you told her, eyes brimming with tears, that he'd run away.

Taco Bell and the soul of Mr. Yippers quieren una disculpa.

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