Thursday, July 28, 2011

Quitting Your Job? Try Our Mad Lib Resignation Letter!

Posted By on Thu, Jul 28, 2011 at 9:00 AM

This week, a Toronto Whole Foods employee made headlines when his resignation letter, rife with damning facts (according to accounts from other Whole Foods employees many -- but not all -- of these "facts" are true) about the chain grocery stores, went viral. The letter accused the store of mistreating its employees and wasting energy and resources, but the genius is not the myriad fun facts the scorned now-former employee revealed about Whole Foods -- it's that the letter resembles an epic poem.

Working at a place you hate is the worst, but quitting, especially if done creatively, can be deeply satisfying -- what better way to get revenge on the organic grocery store asshole boss who made your life miserable? You have some options. You could write your farewell, complete with a smiley face emoticon, on a marquee outside the workplace like a New York Taco Bell-KFC employee did. You could announce your resignation to the entire store, a la Half Baked. Or like JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater, you could just lose your cool, grab some booze and haul it home.

To encourage and enable readers who are thinking of calling it quits, Gut Check wrote a pointed resignation letter of our own -- Mad Lib-style. Simply copy and paste the following (or download it Mad lib resignation letter.rtf), fill in the blanks to reflect your personal shitty job experiences, and you'll be trolling Craigslist job listings in less time than it takes you to say "fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out."

Dear _____,

I'm writing this letter to inform you that I am resigning from my position as _____ at _____. For the past five years, I have watched in disgust as your company _____, _____ and _____ . I could handle the _____, _____ and _____. I could even handle the _____. But the last straw was the _____.

At (store name), you claim that _____ is key. Do you realize that it is actually _____ that is important to you?! You say that you promote _____, but you _____. Your _____ is _____, _____ and _____. The _____ here is _____, and it probably comes from a _____. You could find better _____ at _____! Last week, a customer took issue with _____, and instead of correcting the problem, you ______. If the _____ knew how much you _____ the _____ we carry, they would probably _____.

And don't even get me started on the people you employ in your little store! _____ and _____, they are the workers who keep this shithole running, yet you treat them like _____ . Just last month, you requested that a group of them _____. I am very disappointed with the _____ that goes around this store. Managers _____ their employees, and they get upset when they see _____. You even make your employees _____ with a _____! And I didn't want to have to bring this up, but I felt very _____ when I was asked to _____ by a _____. To top it off, you make us wear _____ under our uniforms and _____. My _____ will never be the same.

Oh, and then there's the little problem of _____. While you claim to ______, you actually _____. Over the past month, you have _____ the _____ so many times! We get it! You like to _____. But that doesn't mean you should _____! Consider _____ and _____ the next time you _____. In short, think before you _____.

Because of you, my ______ has been ruined. I have no _____, and I don't know if I ever will again. I hate you, ______. I hate you, ______. I even hate you, _____, for that time you made me ______ when it wasn't my turn to _____. I still like you, _____, and I hope we can hang out and that you'll quit this POS job soon!

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