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Monday, October 29, 2012

21 Worst Halloween Candies Of All Time

Posted By on Mon, Oct 29, 2012 at 1:30 PM

  • Photo courtesy of Flickr / Rodger

Gut Check isn't so old that we don't remember the hierarchy of Halloween candy: i.e., good stuff and crap. While neighbors who neglect to buy the best sweets suffer at the hands of t.p.-ing teenagers, Gut Check's house remains unscathed.

Stay on the good side of neighborhood ne'er do wells by avoiding these twenty-one Halloween candies, which are the worst of the worst to torture trick-or-treaters with — especially in St. Louis, where our tell-a-joke-for-candy tradition raises the bar that much higher.

Candy Corn Our feelings about candy corn are on par with Moose A. Moose, the animated, um, moose who entertains the tots between shows on Nick Jr.

Mr. Moose does not like candy corn, and neither does the family who created this most spectacular homage to candy hate with the help of Moose's Halloween song, "I Don't Like Candy Corn."

What's to hate? Candy corn is one step above wax fangs on the Halloween candy flavor chart. It's nothing but corn syrup mixed with three other kinds of sugar, some wax, food coloring and mineral oil.

You know that mineral oil is a laxative, right? Candy corn is shit-inducing sugar. Also, it's a big liar.

No, sir. We don't. Like. Candy corn.

  • RFT photo

Bit-O-Honey If we had our way, these would be renamed Bit-O-HORRIBLES to more accurately describe the taste and texture, as well as to warn eaters of the awful journey their mouth is about to embark on. Oh, and it's a journey all right. Before you pop one of those abhorrent pieces of taffy on to your tongue, you're jaw better be ready for the 20-minute chew-a-thon that will undoubtedly follow. Let's hope you haven't had any dental work done in the last ten years, because this candy's adhesive-like grip is bound to rip it out. Also, let's not forget that it takes a single day for these Bit-O-Yucks to become stale; I'm pretty sure these are the rocks Charlie Brown is talking about.

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