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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Yeah, I Should Probably Mention the Vegan Breast-Milk-Flavored Lollipops Before I Go

Posted By on Wed, Jun 5, 2013 at 9:00 AM

breastfeeding_baby.jpg

Today is my final day here at Gut Check International Headquarters, and since I suspect this sort of thing might not fly at my new gig: OMG YOU GUYS BREAST-MILK-FLAVORED LOLLIPOPS!

AND THEY'RE VEGAN.

See Also: - Nothing. There's nothing remotely likely vegan breast-milk-flavored lollipops to see also. Sorry.

Via Grub Street comes word of the Austin-based company Lollyphile, which on its website at least comes across as a charmingly self-aware hipster operation. Said site features many photos of attractive, heavily tattooed young persons and their companions mugging for the camera while sucking on lollipops.

Lollyphile's flavors draw inspiration from booze ("Strawberry Basil Mojito"), food trends ("Sriracha") and now the wonders of the human mammary glands. Let us now turn to the ad copy for the breast-milk lollipiles on the Lollyphile site:

So what's happening is that suddenly it seems as though a lot of our friends are having babies. And since some of us are confectioners, we felt it was our responsibility to find out just what this flavor was that could turn a screaming, furious infant into a placid, contented one. Surely the flavor must be heavenly, yes?

We are endlessly grateful to all the mothers who kept sharing their breast milk with our flavor specialists until we were able to candify it. These lollipops won't bring back childhood memory; they'll bring up animal instinct. Quite possibly the most inherently satisfying flavor of all time.

(ps there's no actual breast milk in these. they're vegan! omg the armies of pumping women.)

The breast-milk lollipops -- which, we can't stress enough, not only don't contain any actual human breast milk, but are also vegan -- cost $10 for four or $24 a dozen. You can also, it seems, score free shipping by using the discount code "MAMMALS" and 15% off your total with the discount code "COLOSTRUM."

That's it. The joke is we didn't make up any of that.

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