Join Riverfront Times Press Club. Because No News is Bad News.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Our 10 Best Guesses for That Top-Secret Menu Item at Taco Bell

Posted By on Tue, Feb 2, 2016 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge screen_shot_2016-02-01_at_4.35.39_pm.png

Taco Bell is playing it close to the vest with its new menu item, releasing redacted press releases and holding press conferences that raise more questions than they answer. (The Project Trinity-type secrecy invariably calls to mind the actual Project Trinity, which is the sort of comparison you'd think Taco Bell would want to avoid.)

The true nature of the mysterious foodstuff will be revealed in the first quarter of the Super Bowl (which itself makes one think of "blowouts"; Taco Bell's PR people are all out of fucks to give). In the mean time, fans of the Bell are invited to pre-order the new item for pick up before it's officially released. 

click to enlarge Yes, this is an actual Taco Bell press release.
  • Yes, this is an actual Taco Bell press release.

So what is this new food? What animal does it come from? How many layers contain its multitudes and what kind of sauce does it require?

We don't know — but here are our best guesses as to this mysterious foodstuff based on our intimate knowledge of Taco Bell.

1. Foie Gras Taco Supreme 

2. Cupcake Burrito Bellgrande

3. Chicken-Fried Fried Chicken Taco

4. Grilled Stufft Human Hand Chalupa

4. Spinach salad

5. Cheesy Taco Bagel Bites (TM) in a Soft Taco Shell.

6. Shame (no one who eats at Taco Bell has ever heard of it). 

7. The Defibrillator Supreme

8. The 342-layer Burrito Mas Supremo, the layers of which include: cabbage leaf, tobacco leaf, papyrus, a page from your local newspaper, edible aluminum foil, melon rind, the husk of a huge cicada, and many, many more!

9. Organic, free-range donkey (still comes in that vacuum bag, though)

10. A salt lick, a 4-lb. bag of sugar and two scoops of fat in a Mountain Dew-flavored hard shell.

Because, well, fuck it.

click to enlarge PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR/M01229
  • Photo courtesy of Flickr/m01229

Riverfront Times works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of St. Louis and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep St. Louis' true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 23, 2020

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

© 2020 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation