6 Christmas Punk Songs You Haven't Heard

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The Night Stalkers nabbed this photo for their song "Christmas Blue Balls." - Cover sourced from The Night Stalkers bandcamp page.
Cover sourced from The Night Stalkers bandcamp page.
The Night Stalkers nabbed this photo for their song "Christmas Blue Balls."

Joy to the world, it's a Christmas themed list! Oh and look, we even incorporated "punk" into it. It seems as if Riverfront Times has done it again. Look, we understand your concerns, but scan the internet. You'll find a bunch of pathetic lists with Fall Out Boy and that dopey '90s record from The Vandals. Scratch a little deeper and you'll find last holiday's precious gift: Punk Goes Christmas, a compilation with bands like All Time Low and Yellowcard - the perfect collection for your closest friend who still wears a Nightmare Before Christmas stocking cap.

While it would be easy to dig into these lists and records, we're all knee deep in holiday spirit. Instead, we'd rather give you a present. As pointed out in our recent "punk" themed list of Christmas songs, any decent deviant knows hits like Fear's "Fuck Christmas" or that goddamn Ramones song. So here's six ones you haven't heard.

6. The Night Stalkers, "Christmas Blue Balls"

Exhibit A of brilliant holiday songs you've been missing: The Night Stalkers' "Christmas Blue Balls" -- a tale which climaxes in fleeing from the cops with crotch-congestion. Good thing they used this John Waters wearing a Christmas hat mug-shot for the artwork as their other records all have human female breasts on them. But hey, they're French.

Lyrical Highlight: "She grabbed my crotch, ya know what it means / We started to fuck / when my dad came in / What what what get the fuck out of here!!''

5. Pansy Division, "Homo Christian"

Although this Pansy Division song found its way on the 10 Best Punk Christmas Songs list, the importance of this brilliant track can't be stated enough. Formed in the progressive city of San Francisco, the openly-gay members of Pansy Division have been blowing the minds of uptight squares since 1991. Click the video and watch as the holiday season has never been more festive -- then scribble "sequined leotard" on your Christmas list for next year.

Lyrical Highlight: "Don't be miserable like Morrissey / Let me do you underneath the Christmas tree"

Follow through for the rest of this special holiday edition of Nitpick Six.

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