A Salute to Mustaches and the Musicians Who've Sported Them

click to enlarge Eddie Murphy and his 'stache.
Eddie Murphy and his 'stache.
Tonight's the second annual American Mustache Institute 'Stache Bash (Roberts Orpheum Theater, 7:30 PM, $29). While the event raises funds for St. Louis Challenger Baseball, it's also a special time to celebrate Mustached Americans who have made our world a better place. See one of those M-A's - John Oates - perform, along with the Flavor Savers and Hazard 2 Ya Booty.

In honor of mustachios everywhere, we're paying tribute to the power of the 'stache.

It always comes back to the Beatles, doesn't it? Although others wore the 'stache before them, George and Ringo took it mainstream in 1967. Look carefully, and notice that Paul seems to sport a bit of lip fuzz. John? He wasn't having any of it. "I don't believe in mustaches. I just believe in me." No wonder they didn't last.

Freddie Mercury's mustache gave him telekinetic power to change the color of his viking-horned baseball cap. It also had the power to make a viking-horned baseball cap seem less ridiculous.

You wanna make fun of Lemmy Kilmister's facial moles? Those aren't moles. They're tumors that were devoured and crapped out by Lemmy's mustache. Don't fuck with him.

With the double-'stache whammy of Eddie Murphy and Rick James, fans were overcome by the facial hair power. The success of "Party All the Time" illustrates what happens when mustache power isn't used for the common good. Let's never get whiskered like this again.

In 1984, Lionel Richie's mustache had such awesome draw, it was enough to shatter the taboos of stalking and inappropriate student-teacher relations. President Reagan was rumored to have asked Richie to use his mustache power in the "Star Wars" Strategic Defense Initiative based on a theory proposed by Los Alamos scientists that Richie's mustache was so dense it could destroy nuclear ballistic devises from outer space. Truly a mustache worthy of immortalization in really bad sculpture.

And finally, the reason we're here. The mustache d'resistance, the one capable of playing a backing roll to a big guy with shoulder pads and still earning equal billing. John Oates of Hall and Oates.
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