How to Win a Fight, According to Nubiles

"Big Gulp, huh? Alright. Welp, see ya later!" - Steve Hagley
Steve Hagley
"Big Gulp, huh? Alright. Welp, see ya later!"

With layers of grime and noise rubbing up against memorable, meaty hooks, Kansas City's Nubiles is poised to be the next burning powerhouse in punk rock. The ruggedly handsome trio has already been wildly successful, having put out a great cassette tape that a few of the band members' friends will adore until they accidentally step on it. The impressive, five-song release has created such a stir in underground communities that seminal leaders in the rock & roll movement have started referring to the phenomenon as "Nubilation".

Despite the undeniable sex appeal coupled with an arousing name (which means "of marriageable condition or age" and also doubles as a porn site), these hardy Midwest boys have long been soured and rotten, having spent their formative years playing in esteemed and world-renowned acts such as Sucked Dry and Dirty Work.

As Nubiles will be embarking upon a short tour with St. Louis' highly heralded rockers, Trauma Harness, we decided to have a chat with the band's ringleader, Nic Allred, about punk and being punks and fighting and kissing people you are fighting

Drew Ailes: You and some of the other members of Nubiles have been referred to as "punks," however this band features some different influences than from your standard hardcore fare. Is this band less punk?

Nic Allred: I would say more punk? We like punk. Television was punk, right? 1954 to 1981 was 27 years. 1981 to 2015 was 34 years. Who cares? We're mostly not worried about it. We just like to boogie.

Is there a cool story on how you guys formed or is it the same old shit as everyone else?

Well, I moved to Chicago after my old band with our current drummer Davey started to teeter off. He was busy with other bands and no one was really wanting to start new one at the time. I started Nubiles in March 2014 with my friends Will and Mike who moved to Bloomington, Indiana, and Lima, Peru, respectively, because they didn't like Chicago very much. Then my buds Skyler and Mark joined, but I moved back to KC because I didn't like Chicago very much. Traeboy Brown and D. Kupsch, who are my eternal homeboys forever, convinced me to just start doing it in KC and now it's in fuckin' KC.

I heard you got beaten up by some oogles and a pitbull in Austin, Texas, last year and the fight ended because you started kissing one of the guys. Please give us an account of what happened.

Yo yo yo yo, OK, lemme set the record straight. Three scumfucks were saying racist and just plain factually inaccurate shit to my friends Caleb, Danny and Juan from Detestados, so I punched one of them. Their dog put a bunch of holes in my leg and someone kneed me in the face, but I was on top of the guy I punched the whole time with my left thumb in his right eye, punching his other one. He wouldn't let go of my hair, but also wasn't hitting me anymore, so I got in his face and made kissy lips. He called me a faggot and I started kissing him. Shout outs to Abby Dahlquist and Ben Smith for keeping it real and getting the dog off my leg.

What steps have you taken since this incident to better ensure your safety or improve your fighting skills?

I always throw smooth bolo punches.

Did you or did you not recently play the saxophone with famous teen punk heartthrobs, Lumpy and the Dumpers? Can you actually play it?

I was supposed to play guitar on that tour. Marty's kind of a stingy turd and didn't want to pay for my bus ticket to STL, so he asked our friend Gabe before he realized I had already bought my ticket. Marty brought the sax last minute and told me to play it. I looked up the fingerings and practiced for a few minutes in the van. To answer your question, yes and no -- I have no idea how to play it. That instrument is really hard.

Do you think more people will keep reading this interview if we just keep writing the word "punk" in it?

We're world famous and everyone cares about this interview. Hotlink to "Punk" by Flux of Pink Indians.

What do you believe will be the biggest disappointment for your band in 2015?

It's a tie between no wax coming out because everyone wants Taylor Swift and Frozen soundtracks on vinyl and Davey getting his life together and going to college.

Nic, what happened to the K that should be in your name but isn't?

My mom only speaks in the Supreme Alphabet by the beloved Five-Percent Nation of Islam. K stands for Kingdom, which my mother won't recognize anyone but the creator as a patriarchal figure. Also, there's no K in Nicholas.

Nic, what would your skin look like if you got a sunburn on your entire body?

"Allred." Fuck you.

Nubiles 9 p.m. Thursday, February 5. Foam Coffee & Beer, 3359 Jefferson Avenue. $5. 314-772-2100.


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