Knights in White Satin

We explore Dr. Who's link to the White Stripes, get medieval on Into the Moat and imagine 50 Cent's future business endeavors

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The White Stripes

Fox Theatre, 527 North Grand Boulevard

Show starts at 8 p.m. Wednesday, August 24. Tickets are $40; call 314-534-1678 for more information.

It's as plain as a Meg White beat -- White Stripes vocalist/guitarist Jack White is clearly auditioning to become the next Dr. Who! Let's look at a few facts about the frontman:

1) He's traded in his minimalist attire for that "bizarro dashing dandy" look -- black top hats, odd suits and devilish facial hair in line with such hardy adventurers as Zorro and the Three Musketeers.

2) He's fascinated by weird scientific gadgetry -- note his obsession with the electricity-pumping Tesla coil in last year's Coffee and Cigarettes.

3) He travels with a buxom sidekick who has nothing much to say and no discernible skills; she's pretty much just along for the ride.

4) He's into low-budget special effects, he's famous for eschewing digital technology in favor of analog recording gear and vintage guitar pedals, and he makes White Stripes albums on the super-cheap.

5) He's especially fond of time-trekking, whether to London for the garage-rockin' 1960s, to the Mississippi Delta during the '30s blues explosion, to the early-'20s Netherlands at the height of the De Stijl art movement, or to bars in 1940s Hollywood where Rita Hayworth hung out.

6) He's madly in love with all things British -- from Led Zeppelin and his beloved Toerag Studio to his recent bride, Manchester-born supermodel Karen Elson.

7) In his own charmingly nerdy way, he seems intent on saving the universe (from bad music).

If White does score that coveted acting role, here are some episodes we can look forward to seeing:

"Seven Timelord Army" -- A freak hiccup in the space-time continuum brings all the past incarnations of Dr. Who together in the Majestic Zone, where Jack's arch-nemesis -- the ProTools Master -- disguises himself as Jack and beats the crap out of the Fourth Doctor and his robot dog. The other Timelords team up and pursue the real Jack around the universe -- until he's able to convince them what truly happened.

"Get Behind Me, Cybermen" -- While traveling through tunnels deep within the planet Grokster, Jack discovers a secret lair where the feared Cybermen are downloading songs for free. Jack plans to infect them with a deadly virus, but his equal disdain for the music industry results in a moral dilemma, and Jack decides not to destroy them.

"Fell in Love with a Dalek" -- After getting dumped by Floozee, Princess of Gallifrey, Jack heads to the planet Skaros, where he promptly romances a half-mutant rolling trashcan with a raspy voice. But when his new love threatens to "exterminate" him, Jack hops into the TARDIS and gets out of there in the nick of time! Renée Zellweger guest stars. -- Michael Alan Goldberg

King for a Day
Medieval imagery and metal go together like dungeons and dragons. Heck, some bands spend their entire careers re-creating Camelot. However, when the Fort Lauderdale, Florida-based outfit Into the Moat selected its majestic moniker, it didn't have kingly proclamations in mind.

"I was watching Christopher Lowell, the interior decorator on the Discovery Channel," says Into the Moat's drummer and founder, Matthew Gossman. "When I took the television off mute, the first phrase he said was 'into the moat.'" (In his book If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It!, Lowell writes, "War may have surrounded many castles, but the moat and the drawbridge kept harm beyond the gates..... Your home should be your castle.")

This revelation tarnishes Into the Moat's renaissance-fair credibility, as does the fact that its members look like normally dressed teenagers. Its lyrics also contain neither anachronistic language nor heroic quests of yore. But we quizzed Gossman on his olde-school qualifications, and he passed as easily as Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

B-Sides: Do you ever play medieval-themed video games?

Matt Gossman: Our singer [the regally named Earl Ruwell IV] likes playing games that involve wizardry, Lord of the Rings-type stuff.

Have you ever dressed up as a knight?

The past two years, we've all dressed up as knights for Halloween shows. We made our suits of armor out of cardboard boxes that we spray-painted silver.

If you had the money to put on a theatrical stage show, what would it involve?

We'd definitely have a giant dragon fly out and breathe fire.

When was the last time you got medieval on someone's ass?

I was very, very close to it when [former guitarist] Rob [Shaffer] quit the band in the middle of this tour. He really went out of his way to sabotage us. -- Andrew Miller

lHalf Dollar Store

50 Cent is wearing a lot of hats these days: author (the memoir From Pieces to Weight), video-game auteur (50 Cent: Bulletproof), actor (Get Rich or Die Tryin') and, oh yeah, rapper (a re-release of his last album, The Massacre, that features a video for every song). But this is just another phase in Fiddy's plan of worldwide domination. B-Sides got our hands on the plans for the next wave of 50 Cent merchandise. Here are some of our favorites:

The Candy Shop: Opening in malls everywhere, the gangsta-themed Candy Shop will sell sugar blunts, candy bling and really, really large lollipops.

Li'l Bitchez: The cutest, cuddliest haters on the planet! These plush Ja Rule, Fat Joe, Jadakiss and Nas dolls won't slap back when you drop a dis on them. Fully washable.

Wanksta, The Musical: When Andrew Lloyd Webber and Fiddy team up, you know there's music in the air. Set for Broadway this fall, Wanksta will feature Wayne Brady, Lisa Bonet and Bernadette Peters singing their way through songs like "Ghetto Quran," "I'm a Hustler" and "Fuck You."

In Da Club Hand Disinfectant: You can party like it's your birthday, but keep in mind that clubs are fiestas for germs as well. Just a couple of squirts of In Da Club, and you can pass the bottle of bub with no fear.

Da Piggybank: Teach your child about the cruel world of record deals with this piggy bank, which keeps 90 percent of their money for itself. Each deposit is greeted with a pre-recorded "Get me that money!" from 50 himself.

P.I.M.P. Car Fresheners: Available in Pine, New Car and Gunsmoke.

50 Cent Magic Stick: This oversize home massage kit will work the kinks out of your back in no time. That's what we think it is, anyway. -- Jordan Harper

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