Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book.
Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is No. 2 on Billboard and No. 1 on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard it -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was twelve years old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).
Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many were watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that it would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.
Alas, that did not happen: 0:01: The video editor going straight from a shot of Ke$ha to a shot of a donkey seems like a not that subtle #ShotsFired. Applause. That took some grapes. We are off to a tremendous start.
0:02: I guess she's in her Carrie Bradshaw phase? Also, I do not think Ke$ha looks all that much like a donkey, though I will not argue too heartily against someone who does.
0:10: The first words of the song: "It's going down. I'm yelling 'Timber!'" I would like to take this moment to point out that NINE SEPARATE PEOPLE received songwriting credit here. NINE. That's basically the fucking Wu-Tang Clan, man.
0:18: BTW: You should know that this video is not new. It was posted to YouTube on November 25. I did not watch it then because Thanksgiving was soon after, and that is not what the pilgrims who founded America and invented football and Twitter would have wanted.
0:37: Here comes Pitbull. If you're wondering how far into his verse he'll get before he raps some sort of cliché...
0:38: Bam! Exactly one second. That's how long. "What goes up, must come down." Oh, Pitbull. You are in my heart forever.
0:50: "I'm slicker than an oil spill." One more time: NINE PEOPLE SHARE SONGWRITING CREDIT. You know what my favorite thing is about oil spills? All of the dead marine life and crippled ecosystems. So much fun.
1:40: Did you know that this is the most successful song Pitbull's had since he did "Give Me Everything" in 2011? That song was this same sort of brainless house-hop that people like to listen to when they don't really want to listen to music.
1:49: I was actually just about to say that what this video needs is a woman dressed like Daisy Duke holding an alligator (above), so this is good timing.
1:50: Oh, also, did you know that Rihanna was supposed to be on this track but was too busy so he swapped her out for Ke$ha? (He says so around the 5:30 mark of this interview here.) Man, I hate Rihanna too, so that would have been like: "Hey, do you want me to punch you in your penis with my right hand, with which I am deadly, or do you want me to punch you in your penis with my left hand, with which I am equally proficient?"
Continue to page two for more.