Prince Blesses The New Girl, Forces Us to Watch This Stupid Show

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Zooey, Nick and Prince are sitting awkwardly on a bench, with Prince in the middle playing mediator. The dimwits are explaining "finger guns," and Prince thinks it's appropriately dumb. Nick sadly leaves at Prince's request, and the Purple One asks Z if she likes pancakes. Because of course.

Elsewhere, one of the guys is running from the bouncer and hides his face in Cece's boobs. Do they have some kind of history? Nevermind, I don't care. We go back to the other friends, and everyone is drunk -- especially Nick, who comes over to complain about Prince absconding with his girl. Nick also cockblocks his friends who are macking on models, and now he wants to dance. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Prince and Moonpie Eyes are eating pancakes in the kitchen. She calls Prince stupid as he tries to give advice, and he compassionately forgives her in an absurdly soft voice. How is Zooey not sucking face with him already? Ugh. She does the girl thing where she claims to be very full, but he forces her to finish her pancakes. Now it's time for a Zooey makeover, because Prince has a wardrobe full of women's dresses or something. This and ping-pong and butterfly watching are supposed to loosen her up on the idea of love somehow. And then Prince locks her in a closet. Good.


Prince and Zooey scoping out butterflies has got to be a hallucination, right? - @NewGirlOnFox | Twitter
@NewGirlOnFox | Twitter
Prince and Zooey scoping out butterflies has got to be a hallucination, right?

Prince urges Zooey to find Nick, whispering something in her ear. WHAT IS IT? Come on, this shit isn't Lost in Translation. Whatever, Prince.

Zooey's housemates are smiling with lemon slices in their mouths; this easily is the best thing on the whole stupid show. Zooey floats down the steps in her special, precious Zooey way and finds her boyfriend dancing on the floor like an idiot. He confesses that he's not sorry he said the "L word," and she whispers in her ear. And then she shouts. Because she's Zooey and it's cute, or something? Anyway, she says that she loves him, too. Quelle surprise. They kiss, Nick notices her weird Prince dress, and the Purple One beckons her to the stage. OH GOD, SHE'S SINGING! WITH HER STUPID ZOOEY MOUTH! STOP THE MADNESS! Prince does his new song "Pretzelbodylogic" with her (Or is it "Don't U Wanna Fall In Luv 2nite?" We're getting conflicting accounts.), her friends rush the stage uninvited, and everybody shits on The Purple One's excellence.

After the party, the gang of idiots sits around exhausted, disbelieving that they danced with Prince. They determine that Prince is magic and wonder how they'll live their lives now that they've been in the presence of greatness. But they're missing someone -- Zooey's friend Cece is still back at Prince's house playing ping-pong. With Prince. Because he needs more ping-pong friends.

Even Prince couldn't save this trainwreck. - @NewGirlOnFox | Twitter
@NewGirlOnFox | Twitter
Even Prince couldn't save this trainwreck.

Cripes. Screw you, The New Girl. This doesn't come close to measuring up to the post-Super Bowl standard that "Friends" had set. This ridiculous Zooey show is exactly what happens when doves cry, only now I'm crying, too. THANKS, PRINCE! THANKS, OBAMA!


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