It just seems to creep up on you, doesn't it? Suddenly one morning, you notice a few gray hairs have commandeered space on your scalp. This is precious real estate, considering how far that hairline has receded in the past year. Most of your old high school pals are popping out babies, and maybe you've got a few of your own. You think about mutual funds. The time to book that digital rectal exam is steadily approaching.
In life, it's get old or die. And since you're still reading, you're aging. See that bright shiny speck of joviality in your rear-view mirror? That was your youth. Gone. Wave bye-bye.
For many of us music-loving members of the group classified as Generation X, it wasn't the above that alerted us that we're closing in on "old." Nope, it was three weeks ago, when Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, N.W.A. and the Smiths were all nominated for induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The soundtrack to our pubescent years now stands alongside the likes of Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley and Etta James.
It seems like just yesterday that we were cranking "William It Was Really Nothing" in our Ford Tempos in an attempt to snap ourselves out of the deep funk of youth. Did we miss other musical warning signs that could have helped us come to grips sooner? Indeed, in retrospect, they were there. And it is with a hearty cup of Metamucil in hand that we drafted these handy checkpoints to help you determine where you, music nerds, currently land on the Gen-X geriatric scale.
☐ As stated above, if one of your favorite bands from childhood that formed in your lifetime has been inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, give yourself three points.
☐ Likewise, if any of your favorite bands from your adolescent years has, in the past five years, played a reunion show at festivals such as Coachella or Bonnaroo, add one point.
☐ While attending said festivals, you smuggled in a fresh twelve-pack of Tums tablets instead of a pocketful of narcotics. Take two points.
☐ If you can remember a day when MTV used to play nothing but music videos, give yourself one point.
☐ You had a subscription to Spin magazine. Add one point.
☐ If you think movies like Reality Bites and Singles have aged gracefully, give yourself one point.
☐ If all you still listen to is grunge and/or industrial music, tack on two points.
☐ If Iggy Pop is the only artist you know who goes by the name Iggy (Iggy Azalea? Who's that?), add three points.
Continue to page two.