[Editor's Note: In this new column, award-winning music critic/goofball (and hip-hop coloring book purveyor) Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.]
I went running the other morning. I used to run all the time. I was in shape, and had a six-pack for a week. I then threw all of my shirts in the trash, which was not that smart.
Alas, now I'm sloppy and unhealthy. The buttons on my pants are always angry. So that's why I went running, and while I was doing so, Dustin-Prestige's album Dharma cycled on. The tape, which is very good, focuses on the dissolution of a relationship. It also got me thinking about about some of my own relationships that have withered away. So here they are: Six failed relationships.*
*Now, to be clear, I use the phrase "relationship" extremely loosely. Before I got married, there was a seven year period where I asked nearly every girl I saw to be my girlfriend. (If I asked 100 girls to show me their boobs, they couldn't ALL say no, was how I felt.)
Girl: Adrianna My Age: 12
Adrianna was the first girl I kissed. She wasn't very pretty but she was really good at basketball, which was more important to me back then. ("I don't care that she's got a cloudy eye, bro. She's absolutely devastating in the pick and roll.") Also: She didn't scrunch her face up like she was staring at the sun when she looked at me. That's how I knew it was love.
Ours was a relationship of convenience. She was spending the night with a friend who lived next to my uncle, and I was spending the night at my uncle's. So I snuck over at night and stood at the window of the bedroom they were in, staring like a total weirdo. (It was not nearly as romantic as it sounds. There were definitely a lot of mosquitoes.) Eventually, her friend dared us to kiss. We did, although it was mostly banging teeth together. A sad start to my love life, but a propros for my eventual lovemaking style.
Why we stopped dating: We never actually started. I never really talked to Adrianna again after that first evening. I definitely told everyone she was my girlfriend though. But then we played against each other in this co-ed basketball tournament and Adrianna lit us up for, like, 60 points or something. After that I was like, "Man, you know what, Adrianna, this just isn't gonna work."
