Six Perfect Songs for Getting People to Leave

Jul 23, 2013 at 7:03 am
Manowar is excellent for driving wimps and posers out of the hall. - Press Photo dating back to the Stone Age.
Press Photo dating back to the Stone Age.
Manowar is excellent for driving wimps and posers out of the hall.

It has happened to me a million times. I walk into a bar with the intention of sitting down for a relaxing beverage, and in between the time that I've paid and my first sip of beer, I realize that some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that all they want to hear is Usher, Nelly or the Ying Yang Twins. Or Paul Oakenfold.

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I could get up and waste $5 to hear maybe six songs by the Alan Parsons Project, but there's always a chance that some hick oil-rig worker with a fat wallet will decide to override my playlist with that "Around the World" song by Daft Punk. Instead, I've figured out a way where I don't even have to get up, and I don't even spend more than $1 to clear out a group of assholes.

Nearly all of these online jukeboxes have smartphone apps. You can download them and control the machine from your phone. These jukeboxes, being the money pits that they are, also offer you the ability to play your song next for a small additional fee. So why not take full advantage of this fact and get your money's worth? I present six widely available songs that send bar-crawling imbeciles crawling out of the bar.

6. Manowar, "Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy In Eight Parts"

The Iliad, by Homer, is 704 pages. Manowar, a heavy-metal band that is the musical equivalent to Conan the Barbarian, wrote a song about The Iliad that clocks in at 28 minutes and 38 seconds. And it's a damn good song. Fortunately for you, there are a lot of people out there who sincerely hate and fear metal music. There are total squares out there who think guitar solos sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. When you play this song for those people, wimps and posers will leave the hall.

5. Allman Brothers, "Mountain Jam"

The Allman Brothers Band is known for hits like "Jessica" and "Ramblin' Man." What most people haven't gotten around to learning is that the 1972 album Eat a Peach features the song "Mountain Jam" -- the ultimate elevator music for dusty old freaks.

There's actually a chance your targets won't leave. The Allman Brothers has a pretty distinctive guitar tone that is pretty tolerable. But you'll turn the entire bar into a dopey blues club for a half an hour. Plus, a lot of people listen to jam bands, and those people are all insane. If anyone recognizes this song, you can probably buy drugs from them.