I've seen it happen too many times: Bands confirm shows three months out, and then, a week before they leave, find out that half of said shows aren't happening. Use common sense and these mystical devices that allow us to contact people a world away and send emails about 30 days out to confirm your shows. Ask for a flier and Facebook invite. If a venue never sends either and it's too late to book somewhere else, binge-spend on tons of alcohol, drugs, sex toys, fireworks or whatever you need to have fun, and prepare to use all of them, as your show might suck.
In the absence of a legitimate good time, you must be prepared to create your own deviant brand of entertainment. You may not get invited back for future shows, but the increased morale in your band might keep you from killing each other long enough to plan your next tour.
2. Tell People You Are Touring
Many creatives have this bizarre perception that, somehow, things will just come together for them if they cross their fingers and wish hard enough. The sad fact is, we live in a busy world where everyone prides themselves on their bullshit art and won't stop screaming about it. While a big fear people have in promoting themselves is that they'll resemble these talentless attention vampires, I can't stress how important it is for people to tell everyone what they're doing. Ask for help all over the Internet, and mention it in face-to-face conversations everywhere you go.
The worst thing that happens is that you find out no one cares -- which means you're probably brilliant or terrible. Either one is better than being mediocre.
1. Be Grateful Even When It Sucks
This is one of those tips that will actually help you book future tours once you've set up your first one. Touring is a confusing mess that forces you to give up your privacy and personal space, and instead place complete trust in strangers and unreliable screw-ups. But it's also something that most people never have the luxury of experiencing. So be cool, and recognize how lucky you are to live in a culture where people care about supporting you and your dumb art. Be humble, be appreciative, and marvel at how many friends you make as each tour gets easier and easier to put together.
Tell Drew Ailes how stupid he is on Twitter @Countbakula
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