Christmas is only a week away, and with it will come the fateful holiday party where someone -- hopefully not you -- drinks too much and tells off a roomful of sullen friends and family members. Far from a time of universal peace and joy, the winter holidays can be fraught with familial resentment and animosity. This makes the season a perfect time to dust off your old punk-rock records. We know holiday prep is major drain on time, so as our gift to you, we've assembled a playlist of our ten favorite Christmas punk songs. Now you should have plenty of time to write insincere cards to people you only see once a year.
10. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)," the Ramones We had no idea Howard Stern sang in one of those bands that the guys at our college radio station never shut up about. Howard, you're so versatile! Witty lyrics, too.
9. "Silent Night," the Dickies We knew a Mormon kid in high school whose parents only let him keep his Dickies records because he lied and said the band is named after the Dickies brand of work pants, not penises. We always wondered if the Dickies ever got into a legal battle over the name with that other punk band, the Dicks. It would have made for a great episode of the People's Court. Next up: "The Dickies versus the Dicks."
8. "There Ain't No Sanity Clause," the Damned The Damned is hailed as one of the first and finest Goth bands, a distinction that only means something if you are in the Damned or care about men who voluntarily wear eyeliner. The Damned has had so many lineup changes that we're pretty sure the guy who fixes our photocopier played with them in the 1990s (evidence: he has a British accent and wears eyeliner and when he doesn't drink coffee he looks ashen, like a corpse). We therefore consider ourselves members of the extended Damned family. For the record, we also care about men who wear eyeliner -- deeply so.
7. "Homo Christmas," Pansy Division Pansy Division was a C+ pop-punk band whose being openly gay scored extra press at a time when every third band signed to a major label was pop-punk. "Homo Christmas" is the band's lighthearted send-up of the holiday.
6. "Hooray For Santa Claus," Sloppy Seconds Sloppy Seconds are the unrecognized founding fathers of American oversharing. If these guys wrote self-aware TV scripts rather than three-minute songs, they would be lionized right alongside Lena Dunham for their portrayal of the slothful lives of young, inessential Americans. We cannot travel back in time and give the band a tip about how its ideas would make for great television, but we can at least include its Christmas song on this list.