The Gathering of the Juggalos' Night Court Helps Wicked Clowns Bury the Hatchet

A young juggalo faces the punishment for his crimes. - Nate "Igor" Smith
Nate "Igor" Smith
A young juggalo faces the punishment for his crimes.

Those in the outside world tend to view the Gathering of the Juggalos as a lawless festival of debauchery, with apparently violent clowns -- "gang members," even, if you ask the U.S. government -- running rampant and chaos ruling the day.

In actuality, this notion is far from the truth. Juggalos in attendance not only consistently treat one another with respect, but they even have an institutionalized arbiter of disputes for when conflict does arise.

Have an issue with a fellow juggalo? Take them to Juggalo Night Court.

"Fun Size": Defendant in this matter. - Nate "Igor" Smith
Nate "Igor" Smith
"Fun Size": Defendant in this matter.

Case Number 1: Michael v. Fun Size

When we arrived at Juggalo Night Court on this evening, we learned that the previous case had just ended with a man known to the court as "Baby Dick" being submerged in a dunk tank, somehow ending up naked and then getting struck in the testicles with a softball. That last bit was not part of the court's officially mandated punishment, but instead a vigilante-style, bonus-round attack exacted by the case's plaintiff, a four-foot-eight-inch, twenty-year-old known to the court as "Fun Size." The crowd took umbrage with this unnecessary and unsanctioned assault, and charges were quickly brought against the young lady.

The case of Michael v. Fun Size deals with this matter. Michael eloquently explained to the jury, a.k.a. the entire crowd in attendance, why Fun Size's attack was unacceptable, and why it is important to uphold the rule of law. In response, the jury began chanting "SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!" in unison.

Fun Size did as the court requested, and challenged Michael to do the same, scoffing that he would be unable due to his gender. Michael then removed his shirt for the court, inciting applause. One particularly eagle-eyed member of the jury declared that Fun Size "had bigger tits," which met with the approval of all in attendance.

Despite this compelling evidence, Fun Size was found guilty, owing to the fact that the jury had actually been material witnesses to the crime. In defiance, she double-flipped the bird as the bailiff led her to the Wheel of Bone, which would determine her sentence.

Fun Size spins the Wheel of Bone. - Nate "Igor" Smith
Nate "Igor" Smith
Fun Size spins the Wheel of Bone.

Sentence: One vs. Many Fun Size was given a helmet with a face mask as the Honorable Judge High Bone declared Juggalo Night Court to be "the only place where beating a woman is acceptable." Michael and two volunteers were given helmets as well, and all three were then handed American Gladiator-style pugil sticks -- the punishment was to be a three-on-one battle lasting one full minute.

A mighty warrior, entrenched in combat. - Nate "Igor" Smith
Nate "Igor" Smith
A mighty warrior, entrenched in combat.

And then they seized upon her. Fun Size battled with the might of a great warrior, undaunted, even when her boobs were thrown clear from her shirt mid-battle, causing Judge High Bone to remark, "They hit her so hard her titties popped out!" Fun Size powered through and took aim at her lone female opponent, knocking the young woman's helmet clean off in a frenzied attack.

When the minute was up, all involved returned to their seats in the audience. "I think my finger is broken," the unnamed female volunteer remarked to her friends. "For real."

Continue to the next page for the second case of the night.

About The Author

Daniel Hill

Daniel Hill is editor at large for the Riverfront Times and he demands to be taken seriously, despite all evidence to the contrary. Follow him on Twitter at @rftmusic.
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