6. Dan Fogelberg, "Same Old Lang Syne"
Fogelberg at his peak was a one-man lyrical crap-factory, and in 1981 he manufactured this semi-autobiographical tale of a chance meeting between two former high school sweethearts at the grocery store on Christmas Eve. When they first meet, the song tells of how when the woman hugged the narrator she spilled her purse -- and they laughed until they cried. Really? They laughed to the point of crying at her spilling the contents of her purse? Then he feels it's necessary to tell us, "We took our groceries to the checkout stand, the food was totaled up and bagged." Is that what happens at a grocery store, Dan? Thanks for the detailed explanation. Did you choose paper or plastic?
The lyrics just get worse from there. They can't find an open bar so they get a six-pack and drink it in her car. While chatting they do a lot of toasting. They toast to innocence, they toast to "now" and they toast to "time," which I believe is one of the more popular things to toast to, right after toasting to being, air and the Universe. As they part in a truly bittersweet goodbye the snow turns to rain and we are subjected to even more torment when a soprano sax comes in and plays a maudlin rendition of "Auld Lang Syne." This song quite possibly was originally given air time to make Dan Fogelberg feel better about writing one of the worst songs in history, but now that he's dead I don't think he'll mind if we stop playing it.
(Just as a side note: The Wikipedia entry was written by someone who takes this song very seriously and is kind enough to explain the phenomenon of "snow" as it is mentioned in the song: "The song begins mentioning Christmas Eve and ends with the acknowledgment of snow, a common weather occurrence during the winter in the higher latitudes of the northern hemisphere." Please tell us more about this "snow.")
5. Any A Capella Christmas Song
I realize this is an entire genre, but the fact is, a capella music is just plain awful. It's not bad enough that they give themselves names like Rockapella, Sons of Pitches, the Whippenpoofs, Key of She and An Octave Above, but they're just so enthusiastic about how much they suck. I don't advocate violence, especially right before Christmas, but a capella groups are asking for it.
This year a capella ubergroup Straight No Chaser -- a group named after a song by the very soulful Thelonious Monk that's in town tonight-- released their second no-soul Christmas album in as many years, one filled with more campy Christmas songs than a person's ears could possibly tolerate. It seems a capella singers pay particular attention to Christmas because they hope that dedicating themselves wholeheartedly to celebrating the birth of Christ will save them from burning in hell for eternity. It won't.
