The Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time

Mar 27, 2013 at 8:00 am

michael angelo batio.jpg coolbeans11
Michael Angelo Batio

By Nate Jackson Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axeman/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock & roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars and posters for decades.

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But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hellbent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the '80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (a.k.a. DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.

10. John Mayer
 If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour-lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists' offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of God, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King, who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20: Did he just come in his pants?

9. Yngwie Malmsteen

This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the '80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.

8. Esteban
 If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black, and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axeman in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar, who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.