Kelly Clarkson and her stupid hair extensions are dead to us.
In an outrageous decision that flies in the face of all taste and logic, last night Clarkson failed to move Neil Salsich through to compete in the live playoffs on The Voice.
We haven’t been this upset by an unfair St. Louis elimination since the St. Louis Stallions were passed over for NFL expansion in 1993. (Plus, now what are we going to do with all of these fake Neil beards we bought for our live show party?)
After all, everyone with a functioning tympanic membrane knows that Salsich had far and away Team Kelly’s greatest performance last night.
But let’s back up a moment. Before Salsich’s flawless rendition of John Hiatt’s “Have a Little Faith in Me,” viewers got some Glamour Shots of Salsich turning toward the camera in slow motion, flashing his best bedroom eyes. We even got more split-second scrapbook pics of him with bandmates Gerard Erker and John Hussung. (Sorry, Mike Murano. We saw your cymbals, though!)
Then we saw Salsich sitting on someone’s front porch steps fingerpicking a C chord on his Alvarez acoustic, black onyx rings on both ring fingers (which usually symbolizes grieving a loss, and after last night’s Kelly massacre, I ordered one of my own).
Then came the live performance. Salsich really let down his guard, and I’m talking about the one on his hair clippers. He went ping-pong-ball bald for this one, and he looked fantastic, sleek and classy in a black suit and white shirt buttoned to the larynx.
In her coaching session, Kelly Darksoul told Salsich to get out of his head for this performance, forgetting that the cat is always out of his head when he sings, since he gets completely possessed by the songs. Last night was no different.
It was a Best of Neil performance: the nuzzly tone, the runs, the false endings, the growl, the falsetto, the eyebrow-batics, the Salsich Shimmy, the Neil-at-the-Altar and the sultry eye contact with the camera. He left so much on the stage, he looked damn near cardiac arrested after the last note.
Salsich wiped the goddamn floor with that song, and like those of us cheering through tears at home, the judges loved it. Especially Chance the Rapper. How cute is Chance’s bro-crush? While Salsich sings, Chance laughs, fingersnaps, Arsenios his arm and shouts, “Have some faith, Kelly!” He was so excited, I think his mighty pine was standing up.
The judges all gushed. Blake: “You’ve been the most consistent person on the show this season.” Chance: “I feel like you could win this whole thing.” Niall: “You may have just thrown a spanner in the works.” He’s from Ireland, where a “spanner” is slang for a dumb person. Which turned out here to be Kelly.
Instead of sending Salsich through, she picked a generic, over-emotive, melisma-addicted soul cougher and a gal who would be the third-best female singer on the Baldnobbers’ show in Branson.
Would it have made any difference if Salsich had picked a different song? Or if he had played the guitar again this time? Or if he had brought the bolo ties back? We’ll never know.
But what we do know is that Salsich made St. Louis knee-weakening-ly proud and that he is slated to perform right here at home throughout the spring and summer and straight into fall with the return of Pines Fest in October.
So who won this thing? We did.
Thank you, Salsich, for a great ride.
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