We Watched the American Country Countdown Awards So You Wouldn't Have To

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- Miranda Lambert wins Female Vocalist of the Year! Wooo! Wait, what is she... She's singing about the joys of being blonde... And that bleaching her hair some more will make her dreams (e.g. bigger heels) come true? That's kinda fucked up.

- And immediately after, a commercial for antidepressants. Still no pickups, though.

- Here's old Kix again: "I know you country music fans hold really high standards when it comes to the artists that you support. There's just no foolin' you when it comes to integrity, sincerity, and most importantly, that God-given talent." I'm sorry, what?

- Reba is haunting us like the ghost of country past.

- And now some dude named Brett Eldredge is singing about girls in Mexico. Except he was inspired to write it in the Bahamas. He knows they're different places, right? Also, what's with country's weird fascination with Mexico? Not the Mexican part of Mexico, of course, only the affordable spring break resort part, where you can lounge on the beach and drink Corona Lights and get away from "it all." Which is even more bizarre considering that country is practically the official genre of the GOP, whose politicians were arguing not two months ago that the Southern border needed to be sealed so self-infected ISIS Ebola warriors couldn't attack the USA -- this despite the fact that most terror threats have come from our neighbors to the North (but they, at least, have the benefit of being -- ahem, Canadian). I guess they only really want access blocked in one direction.

- I wonder how many minorities are watching this show?

- Kenny Chesney is receiving an award for selling out stadiums. Great. I'm sure he'll have lots to say. "Music allows us to find commonalities, and it validates all of our lives in ways that nothing else can. And that's what I love about music." Holy shit, I agree with Kenny Chesney.

- Here comes Hank Jr. to cap off the night. He sounds like a raving lunatic. Like Hunter S. Thompson, but with less to say. This calls for another drink.

- I seriously can't believe there wasn't a single commercial for a pickup truck.

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