Monday, May 23, 2011

The Voice with Cee-Lo, X-Tina and Two Other Dudes: Four Possible Spin-Offs

Posted By on Mon, May 23, 2011 at 9:05 AM

Christina Aguilera, Cee-Lo Green, and some white guys are the hosts of America's first communist TV talent show, "The Voice."
  • Christina Aguilera, Cee-Lo Green, and some white guys are the hosts of America's first communist TV talent show, "The Voice."

The Voice, America's favorite socialist-realism-inspired TV talent show, has quickly and abruptly become NBC's first broadly accepted hit show since Friends, a sitcom about a group of quirky, ultra-modern twentysomethings who didn't own cellular phones and could have voted for Michael Dukakis.

Based on a weirdly temporary gimmick in which Christina Aguilera, Cee-Lo Green, and two other people who might be members of the music industry are denied the chance to judge their potential contestants by the cover, it's managed to get well out in front of The X-Factor on the next-American-Idol derby. And now it looks like it will even survive the end of its titular twist, with the contestants presently both audible and visible to their patron judges. Season two? A given, at this point.

NBC has had some trouble building off its successes in recent years, so I've decided to help them out with some spin-off ideas. I'm not doing this for the money; I'm doing this so they don't go bankrupt before The Office, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation run their collective course on Thursday nights. Though I'd welcome the money.

1. The Face: For the first two weeks or so the contestants aren't allowed to sing, and will be judged solely on the judges' physical attraction to the would-be singers at the try-out. Christina Aguilera will create some early buzz around the show by choosing herself as the winner of the first round and a hastily disguised Cher as the winner of the second.

After two rounds it will look roughly like American Idol.

2. The Adorable Family: For the first two weeks or so the contestants aren't allowed to sing or show their face on stage, and will be judged solely on the judges' emotional reaction to their sad, inspiring backstory. Christina Aguilera will create some early buzz around the show by choosing her own backstory, circa the release of Dirrty, as the saddest and most inspiring of the first round.

After two rounds it will look roughly like American Idol.

3. The Peoples' Revolutionary Song Contest For National Unification: The best thing about this spin-off is that they won't even need to change their advertising campaign, which is already rooted heavily in communist imagery.

For the first two weeks or so the contestants will be forced to do that goofy V thing in front of a red banner for the entirety of their time on stage, and will be judged solely on the judges' conception of their ideological purity. Christina Aguilera will create some early buzz around the show when she chooses Joseph Stalin as the winner of the first and all subsequent rounds.

After two rounds it will look roughly like Running-Dog Capitalist American Idol.

4. American Idol: For the first two weeks or so the contestants will be judged based on their voice, the way they look, their inspiring backstory, and--I have it from some inside sources--their ideological purity. Christina Aguilera will create some early buzz around the show when she gets into a spacey argument with Simon Cowell every week.

After two rounds it will look roughly like The Voice.

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