Friday, June 10, 2011

James Franco Embarks On A Music Career, Confirms Plans To Do Every Preteen Dream Job

Posted By on Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 8:59 AM

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When I was a small child I wanted to be a lot of things, mostly all at once; later on I grew up and had to choose one--subsistence-level blogger, ill-advisedly enough. If I had grown up into James Franco this would not be a problem. America's favorite MFA candidate, soap actor, regular actor, performance artist, and dakimakura enthusiast has most recently begun collaborating on some new dance music, presumably because last week he found he had nothing suitable with which to perform his groundbreaking new interpretative dance.

It took me a while to realize what Franco is up to, but I understand it now: He's doing every single impractical dream job any five to fourteen-year-old child has ever had. This would induce less jealousy if he weren't bankrolling it by way of the most impractical childhood dream job of all, Hollywood actor. Now that I know he's just thumbing his nose at my inner child I can confirm that James Franco will be doing the following things next:

Indie musician: Already here. Franco's dance project began on the set of General Hospital, which is just rotting-establishment-chic enough to qualify as American indie circa 2011, and his collaborator, Kalup Linzy, is a Brooklyn-based performance artist. Remember all those white guys in flannel shirts you went to college with who wanted to move to Brooklyn and become musicians and performance artists? It turns out that's really easy to do, if you've been in Spider Man.

Pop musician: When you're 14 you might want to stick it to the man, but you might also want to become rich and famous. James Franco is already rich and famous, but I eagerly anticipate his heel turn against the underground, where he batters Kalup Linzy with a steel chair and removes his unassuming-guy-in-tight-jeans costume to reveal the Backstreet Boys-circa-Millennium outfit he'll wear for the multi-million-dollar video for his new single, "(Let Me Touch) Your Heart's Skin."

In the ensuing press conference Franco will reveal his plans to simultaneously act as the cute one, the shy one, the sensitive one, the athletic one, and the dangerous one in his new boy band, which is called F*FFFF.

Paleontologist: James Franco will find dinosaurs in my backyard, and I will be pissed off about it, even after he names one of them "Danosaurus."

Professional athlete: Despite possessing a number of advanced degrees in the liberal arts Franco will announce that he is leaving college after his freshman year to enter the NBA draft, even though his agent, mother, and pastor have all strongly advised him against it.

To be more authentic, after he's cut by the Cleveland Cavaliers in training camp he will attempt to find his next job with one year of college credits toward a degree in Sports Management.

Astronaut: After starting a thriving chain of laundromats without even finishing his degree in Sports Management, Franco will sell the chain and purchase the space shuttle Endeavor, and even though he offers to let me sit in the cockpit and sample the Astronaut Ice Cream, which he's purchased in bulk at the Science Center, I'll still be pissed off about it.

And then I won't have to dream anymore, because James Franco is out there doing everything for me.

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