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Thursday, July 14, 2011

If Harry Potter Characters Had Bands: Twelve We'd Like To See

Posted By on Thu, Jul 14, 2011 at 11:55 AM

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  • Soooo saaaad he has to hoooold every vooweeeeel.

Dobby: My Polemical Romance Easily the Potter side project with the most consistent mass appeal, MPC started as a means for keyboardist and leader Dobby Da House Elf to try his tiny hand at another career. The band's aggressively emo leanings find a focal point in the songwriter's lyrics about self-loathing and a live routine that includes a generous amount of self-mutilation. The group's live shows, hailed by Alternative Press as "consistently unpredictable, like a Fall Out Boy show with more falling out," end only when Dobby has knocked himself unconscious, a feat which was once achieved during a particularly negative reaction to the band's opener, "Dobby Wants To Protect Harry Potter, Sir, And Has No Self-Esteem." The band is mocked in critical circles both for its general aesthetic and for its lyrical content, an uncluttered but abrasive take that skips on articles and pronouns and ignores the dictionary meanings of its words. (In a Rolling Stone feature, bassist Kreacher admitted none of the members know what "polemical" means.) In 2011, he received a Grammy for his seventh solo album (out on Saddle Creek), making him the most successful alien entertainer since Yoda.

Luna Lovegood: Sp▲rkle†raxxx (Luna and the Golden Snidgets) While in the wizarding world she's merely a weirdo, in the Muggle realm Luna Lovegood would be hailed as a hipster princess, especially if she tried her hand at recording music. Pitchforkians prove time and again that novelty of niche is more highly prized than actual talent, but we have no doubt that Luna's look, Quibbler pedigree and soporific speech patterns would lend her an Ariel Pink-esque authenticity in the indie new age. Utilizing a busted drum machine, a crystal powered phonograph, circuit bent electronics with wand control, and a scavenged 1928 Theremin gives her cred on her debut Moonglow Beetle Lamppost, and her Joanna Newsomish quivering warble and generally spooky air would make every music writer kick themselves for wasting the term "witch house" on Salem.

Hagrid: Big Beardy and the Shack Band When Willie Nelson finally died in 2072, his death left a huge void for a consistently stoned, aggressively bearded crooner to fill his musical shoes. Hagrid's feet just broke those shoes apart, which both ruined the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame relics and enthusiastically announced his entrance onto the British bluegrass scene and eventual Austin City Limits circuit. Although the frontman is too large to successfully play any instruments, he is backed by all of the remaining members of the band in O Brother Where Art Thou for a blistering mix of vintage bluegrass sensibility and drunken rambling about dragon eggs. Big Beardy and the Shack Band is scheduled to make its live debut at the Yule Ball during the next Triwizard Tournament, a show already tipped to exceed the popularity of the last band that played the gig: a super group that included members of both Pulp and Radiohead (Note: This actually happened.)

Fred and George Weasley: TwinnnzzzZzZ DJ duo TwinnnzzzZzZ established itself early on as an unpredictable and somewhat uncomfortable live show. Performances are consistently restricted to crowd sizes between five and ten people, and those who do get tickets to the duo's "experiments" (their preferred term for show) always come out smiling but often come out missing extremities. Following a particularly huge blow-out that featured both the Daft Punk pyramid and a dragon, the two announced a break from touring to replace Goblin more than 40 years later as Dario Argento's in-house horror soundtrack band.

Neville Longbottom: The Imposter One-man Elvis Costello cover bands are an unsurprisingly unlucrative niche to fill, which triggered Longbottom's recent casting as the house singer in the bar in How I Met Your Mother. His attention to the prolific bespectacled rocker's deep cuts and B-sides has earned him a fair amount of reproach from the show's more commercial creators, but it has earned a staid crowd of middle-aged hipsters and people who wear Warby Parkers.

Voldemort: The Artist Formerly Known As He Who Must Not Be Named Although the diva of evil took a bit of a nosedive with an overtly sexual half-time show at last year's Quidditch World Cup (the only live date he has ever been seen without his signature robe), his career has proven capable of considerable longevity. As a genre, pure evil is hard to beat, though the success of its addition to the pantheon has been severely diminished by recent rumors that its creator is bisexual. (In an interview with EW, which he insisted be conducted inside a phone booth, he said only, "Harry was the one.") Voldemort ended 2010 on a wealth of best-of lists as the direct result of an experimental album that featured no instrumentation, only him whispering, in falsetto, a series of vengeful and intimidating lyrics. Praised for its "daring entrepreneurship," the album sold two copies before being internationally banned and earned him an MTV Music Award for Scariest Motherfucker.

Additional creativity by Diana Benanti

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