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Friday, February 24, 2012

Five Aborted Prequels To Kevin J. Anderson's Rush Novelization

Posted By on Fri, Feb 24, 2012 at 8:05 AM


People are going to think I'm making fun of this, and what I'd like to make clear in this disclaimer is that I'm not making fun of this: Kevin J. Anderson, noted author of a bunch of Star Wars expanded-universe stuff I read in high school, is going to create a novelization of -- and this is the part of this sentence that is news -- a Rush album.

In a young man's quest to follow his dreams, he is caught between the grandiose forces of order and chaos. He travels across a lavish and colorful world of steampunk and alchemy, with lost cities, pirates, anarchists, exotic carnivals, and a rigid Watchmaker who imposes precision on every aspect of daily life.

If you read that excerpt without moving your lips, an indeterminate Rush song will begin playing in your head. The only sad part about this news is that 60 years of rock and roll albums have been wasted without novelizations of their own. After the jump: Five suggestions for future sci-fi novelizing, complete with pre-made back-cover-copy.

1. Adele -- 21 Princess Adele of Alderaan thought she had everything, until her planet was destroyed as a show of capricious power by the Death Star. Then she had even more than everything!

When the space-junk that was Alderaan proves incredibly rich in Empathium, an unobtainable element in the craggy, dried-out Celebrity system, Adele is made rich beyond her wildest imagination. But it's still super sad, guys.

2. Kanye West -- Graduation Holy crap! You have no idea how cool and twisted the main character of this story is!! Kan'Ye, the super-hot protagonist of this novel, is just about the hottest, most talented, coolest guy in all of space.

Sure, he's got problems -- sometimes he's too hot and his space-women leave him! Other space-people can't quite deal with his rapid rise to the upper ranks of the Space Academy! And he's still kind of pissed that Jay'Z won't e-mail him back about his awesome idea for a Sci-Fi novel!

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