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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ten Songs For Hating On Stupid Idiot Valentine's Day

Posted By on Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 7:32 AM

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Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, one of the most polarizing of all holidays. Do you enjoy taking this day as a reminder to appreciate your loved ones and get romantic? Or are you annoyed by a manufactured holiday that brings out candy-coated bullshit and makes the lonely feel lonelier?

Either way, we aim to please. So we've set up these blog posts like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure stories you read when you were a kid.

Go here if you love V-Day and would like a VALENTINE'S DAY RULES soundtrack.

Go here if you hate V-Day and would like a VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS soundtrack.

(Or, if you are looking to take this year's V-Day an entirely different direction: The Six Best Songs About Murdering A Significant Other)

YOU CHOSE VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS!

It's almost Valentine's Day, y'all. It's time to hate on all of this love bullshit and have sex with people that you don't even like.

But what music should accompany your dirty deeds or heartbroken feelings?

I've used my decades-long experience as an expert soundtrack-chooser to bring you this highly-recommended list of tunes to get you through this most terrible and torturous of holidays. I tapped ten of my all-time favorite artists for inspiration. Here you go:

The Ronettes - "Is This What I Get For Loving You?" Key lyric: "It's such a cruel world to be alone in" When in doubt, turn to the classics. The Ronettes' "Is This What I Get For Loving You?" is not just one of the best anti-love songs ever, it might be the best anti-love song ever. The Spector girl-group harmonies make the heart shrivel in unmeasurable proportions. Lyrics like "And now I'm so afraid I'm losing you" bring us all right back to our worst, most heartbreaking moments.

The Cardigans - "And Then You Kissed Me II" Key lyric: "I tell you now like I told you before: Love is a powerful force" My favorite Cardigans album is Gran Turismo, but it does not reflect the depth of the Swedish band's love-hating. For that, you need to bust out SuperExtraGravity. "Losing a Friend" and "I Need Some Fine Wine (And You, You Need to be Nicer)" are for hatin', but give "And Then You Kissed Me II" a spin. With lines like "Your name used to taste so sweet / Then you beat the love right out of me" it is bitter until the end.

Iggy Pop - "Some Weird Sin" Key lyric: "Some weird sin / Just to relax me" Forget making love. You just want to get laid. You want to give in to all of your worst desires and just get f-u-c-k-e-d. If you don't have a sexy little thing and you just want to go to the bar and then pick up some one-night-only, then this is your song. If things get too straight, you can't bear it and you are searching for some weird sin, son. Hopefully it's weird enough that you forget this whole ugly day. This song comes on, and Good Lord, it is time to bang.

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