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Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Ten Worst Best Of Lists In Music

Posted By on Thu, May 9, 2013 at 7:03 AM

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Lists will inevitably be remembered as the highest point of pop-culture Internet journalism. Why? BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.

Sometimes, however, the sure-fire can't-miss format of the list fails us from a journalistic standpoint. Here are ten of the worst music-related lists that I could find before going to my real, non-journalism job: Working at a warehouse, throwing around props for haunted houses and getting fake blood all over the clothing I wear that I found on the street.

See Also: This List of RFT Music Lists That are Better Than the Lists in This Post - The 10 Greatest Alt-Country Bands Ever - Sixteen Songs Forever Ruined By Their Commercial Parodies - Nine Unintentionally Funny Lyrics in Well-Known Songs - Ten Bands You Never Would Have Thought Used to Be Good - The Ten Biggest Concert Buzzkills: An Illustrated Guide

10. The Ten Best Hair Feathers of Steven Tyler -

Steven Tyler looks like a mummy made out of glue and wrapped with glittery scarves. Steven's hair isn't even biodegradable, so why make a list about it? Oh yeah, because LISTS.

9. The Ten Best Smash Mouth Songs of All Time -

I don't really understand this site, but it seems like it's the brainchild of a few anime nerds. There's one guy on here who writes some over-the-top and heavily sarcastic lists (putting Creed on a "hardest metal" list, stuff like that). But I don't think this one is the joke I was hoping it was.

"Combining elements of hip-hop, rock and pop, the band struck gold with the track and made themselves household names across the world. 'Only shooting stars break the mold,' and Smash Mouth did just that with this classic tune."


8. Ten Muso Tricks Everyone Uses -

NME took a few rare paragraphs to not write about the Gallagher brothers or a limited-edition coloring book put out by Thom Yorke's nephew and produced this list. I don't know what it means, but I think it's a list of...production techniques for punk bands? But I guess he talks about the Sex Pistols and the Clash, so he must know his shit.

7. Eight Steps to Hooking Up With a Girl at a Concert -

I have to be honest, when I saw this list I thought I had struck gold. Then it just turned out to be step-by-step sequences on how to isolate your target, create indicators of interest and other sleazy shithead philosophies. There's nothing on this list about forcibly molesting someone you just met in a bathroom (nothing explicitly stated, anyway), but it still sucks that it exists.

See Also: Yet Another List of Our Lists, Within This List Post of Lists - The Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time - The Top Ten Douchiest Drummers of All Time - The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos - The Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender at a Music Venue - The Top 15 Things That Annoy the Crap Out of Your Local Sound Guy

Click through to page two for more of our best of list of the worst best of lists. Wait, is that right?


6. Ten Best Remixes of Gotye's "Somebody I Used to Know" -

This song sucks and has always sucked. And the video is boring. And the remixes are stupid. And everything sucks. I walked around Portland one day spitting on every poster I could find of Gotye. Then I bought green chiles from the former drummer of the Shins. Fuck you: This list makes the list because I am writing it, not you. Also, I still listen to Megadeth and act like a child with a keyboard. Deal with it.

5. Ten Things You Didn't Know About the Prodigy's "Fat of the Land" -

What? Are you serious? I guess I didn't know that the dude from Soundgarden played on this record. But I also didn't give a shit.

4. Cher's 30 Most Outrageous Outfits -

This list simultaneously exists as one of the best and the worst lists, oddly enough.

3. Top Ten Workout Songs -

I don't want you to actually click the link because then they'll see a jump in hits and just make another list, so let me sum it up for you: Wolfmother, Puff Daddy, Metallica, Kanye West, Fort Minor, Avicii, AC/DC, LL Cool J, Eminem, then that "Eye of the Tiger" song by Survivor. Now you can put a barbed-wire decal on the back of your car and get on with your day.

See Also: This List of More of Our Lists That List Even Fucking Harder Than the List of Bad Lists This List is Listed Within - The Top Five Notes on My Bass Guitar - The Top 10 Rappers to Whom You Can't Tell Nothin' - The Eight Smoothest Songs of the Seventies - The 10 Most WTF Crimes Committed by Musicians - 8 More Cringe-Inducing Fan-Made Songs About the St. Louis Cardinals

Continue to page three for the rest of the best of the best of the worst list of best of lists. No, wait, that isn't right either.

Holy shit this skit is still hilarious, RIGHT??

2. Six Greatest Heavy-Metal Cowbell songs -


1. Top 50 Pearl Jam Songs -

Goddamn it. See Also: Do you get it? Lists! Lists of lists, within a list of lists! This list is surely destined to end up on a "Best List of the Worst List of Lists of Lists of Lists" list sometime very soon. (Wait, is that right? Ah, fuck it.) - The Glee Treatment: "Fuck That Shit" and Five Other Rejections From Bands - The 25 Creepiest Heavy Metal Album Covers - The Six Best Non-Metal Songs About Heavy Metal - The Ten Worst Music Tattoos - How to Avoid Becoming a Walking Country Song in Five Easy Steps [DEEP BREATH] - The Top Six Lyrics by Earl Sweatshirt of Odd Future - Six Songs for the Doomed Albino Hummingbird - Pussy Riot and Four Other Bands That Lost the Battle with Authority But Won the War - The Eight Most Eyebrow-Raising Elements of the Megaupload Shutdown - The Five Best Uses of Animal Sounds in Songs

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