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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden Is Using the "Rihanna Plane" Method to Evade the Press

Posted By on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 5:33 AM

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In the latest and best comic twist, this Monday the cream of the world's press decided that Snowden had boarded a plane to Havana, the latest stop on his "Enemies of the United States Who Won't Extradite Me Tour." Of course, they were wrong, and realized upon arrival in Havana that not only was Snowden not on board (in fact, there was probably a moment of perfect farce when all the journalists onboard realized that Snowden wasn't there, and that they were trapped on a very, very long flight unless the pilot agreed to turn around for the sake of the news, which he didn't), but that he was possibly still in Moscow, or maybe Iceland, or back in Hong Kong, or had maybe fled to China. We just don't know.

Edward, if you're out there and you're reading this because you are furiously googling yourself and clicking "News," then it is my firm belief that should you manage to obtain corporate sponsorship and a songwriter, then in fact you can spin this entire trip to your advantage and end up in a situation where you too are wearing nothing but European money and flowers. Until then, make journalists fly around the world for no reason while obtaining nothing of value they can use in their stories. You're doing God's work, son.

United States government, if you're reading this (and I'd imagine you're reading it as I type it, rather than on the blog it was posted to), then I would place my bet on Edward Snowden doing an excessive number of tequila shots, being somewhere in the vicinity of Chris Brown despite all advice to the contrary, and being late for an important appointment. I hope this helps.

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