Support Local Journalism. Join Riverfront Times Press Club.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Justin Bieber Downward Spiral Predictions for 2014

Posted By on Fri, Jul 26, 2013 at 7:06 AM


This has been a perilous year for Justin Bieber, our favorite swaggy little shit. He was snapped sipping some alleged lean; he took heat for tone-deaf comments in the Anne Frank house; he scuffled with the paparazzi; his friends keep getting his car in trouble; he peed in a mop bucket and yelled "fuck Bill Clinton," for some reason. As his image problems escalate, his career moves toward tipping point: His cute teenage years are nearly at an end, and the Believe era is winding down. What will the future hold for our boy hero?

As former Bieber Desk editor for the Boston Phoenix -- and that paper's gone now, so nobody can call me on that fact -- I'm in a unique position to speculate on the exciting year ahead.

See Also: - -Crotching Whiskey at the Justin Bieber Concert and Getting Thrown Out: A Review

January 1, 2014: At a celeb-packed New Year's Eve bash, Bieber's rapidly melting wax hotpants and "WEED CRIEMS" t-shirt cause media consternation. January 22, 2014: TMZ debuts video of Bieber alone in a vacant lot, prying apart an old air conditioner with a screwdriver, huffing a monster hit of freon, shouting "SWAG" in an unnaturally deep voice and passing out in a fit of chopped-and-screwed giggles.

February 8, 2014: Bieber sparks a nationwide debate on the ethics of tabloid culture when he lays a brick on the accelerator of his Ferrari and sends it careening into a crowd of paparazzi. March 4, 2014: Bieber's wild birthday celebration draws controversy as TMZ reveals blurry photos of the twenty-year-old heartthrob smoking a white substance out of what appears to be his still-attached house arrest ankle bracelet. April 2, 2014: Animal lovers are outraged when Bieber abandons Kansas Rudy, his 750lb pet tapir, at the Brussels airport. April 16, 2014: Worried speculation runs rampant after Bieber is photographed with his Zubas front-sagged low enough to reveal what is maaaaybe the topmost crook of a pube swastika peeking out.

May 1, 2014: Bieber debuts his new single, "P***y Murder Dracula." Despite widespread critical acclaim, some parents worry that its salty language may be inappropriate for a teen audience.

May 18, 2014: A concert in Iowa is cancelled after candid footage reveals Bieber calling Ann Landers "a boring old biddy."

June 1, 2014: TMZ releases paparazzi footage of Bieber sitting in his Ferrari, laboriously eating an entire kilogram of weed with a comically oversized cereal spoon. Parents register concern.

June 12, 2014: Finger-wagging pundits accuse Bieber of disrespect after he wears a knee-length t-shirt emblazoned with a huge urinal and the words "PISS BOY" to a private dinner with the Obama family.

Tags: ,

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

July 28, 2021

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

© 2021 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation